Without the mask where will you hide PART 1
by Haruka-san
Summary: first time encounter J7, this is slash FF............... part 2 is finsihed soon and will probably be rated MA


**Rating:**none

**Disclaimer:**The Voyager characters belong to Paramount. I'm afraid so.

**Special Thanks:**To **Seileasdare** for translating the hole stuff.

**Thanks:**To **Solise and Maii-Fenz** for her review, both helped me a lot with suggestions. **Jeristhebest** and **Rebel** for beta reading. I hope I havn't forgot someone since it was some longer time ago that it was betatested.

**Note:**This piece of fic takes place during the 7th season. I don't stick with every part of this and other seasons completely. **This is my own Voyager-universe!**

For everybody who's read "Mosaic" by Jeri Taylor, I've changed parts of what Janeway went through when she was captured by the Cardassians.

And now… fasten your seat belts and enjoy reading.

**Part 1 of ?**

**Without the mask where will you hide?**

**By kathieGOTaGUN**

**The Year 2382**

I am torn from my reveries by a squeaking delighted sound. I open my eyes and hear the rushing sea in front of me and see the azure sky. I turn my head to my right and see my son and this exquisite woman. The woman I would risk my life for. Without this woman I couldn't be and wouldn't want to be any more.

With a warm beautiful smile displayed on her face, and with our son in her arms, she approaches me. I sit up and wait for them to come closer. I watch how the wind plays with her blond hair and how the two suns allow it to shimmer golden. Then, I look into Jack's eyes as he twitches excitedly in the arms of my goddess while he cries out for me and grin at the spectacle. I sense how I fill up with pride, the pride of any mother, any parent who sees their child yearn for them. Even though he might not be our shared flesh and blood. we still love him as if he were.

Carefully, my partner sets him down and he immediately clings to me like a tiger cub with his small arms, chatting happily as ever. Meanwhile, Seven sits down behind me, glides her arms around my hips and snuggles her legs with the outside of my thighs. I can feel the warmth of her chest against my back before she places a kiss on my cheek.

**The Year 2377**

**Stardate 54150.5 (Season 7)**

**Day 1**

Captain Kathryn Janeway is sitting in her command chair, lost in thought.

_**Don't be distracted now, you're still on duty. Kathryn, it'll only be more difficult when you're more than a friend for her… or not?**_

Recently, frequent visions of Seven of Nine crept into Kathryn's thoughts, especially during the nightshift, which is normally calmer than the other shifts. Janeway glances toward the console on her left; only a few more minutes until even this nightshift would be over. Impatiently, she fidgetes with the fingers of her right hand.

"I'll be in my ready room. Chakotay, you've got the bridge!"

"Aye, aye!"

She rose from her seat. The Commander had noticed the play of her fingers and knew how to interpret it.

"Another coffee before you turn in, Captain?"

While taking one step down toward the lower level, Janeway put her right arm akimbo and raised her index finger, not bothering to turn back.

"Yep!"

In her ready room, Janeway stopped in front of her desk. She took a deep breath and pondered whether she should sit on her sofa rather than her office chair. As if to wipe away her tiredness, she slowly moved her hands down her face. Deciding at last on the sofa, she stopped on the way to replicate the coffee Chakotay had mentioned.

"Coffee, black!"

Seconds later, she held the steaming mug in her hands, immediately taking a big sip. With this swallow, she managed to wash away the tension, but the frustration and dissatisfaction of past months still remained.

_**How wonderful would it be to spend summer in Indiana with Mother and Phoebe on the farm, cherishing the wonderful weather on the porch… with Seven. …STOP! **_

_**This is definitely going into the wrong direction!**_

Slowly, Janeway sat down on the soft leather of her sofa. Giving into tiredness, her body slowly sank deeper into the folds of the settee.

She thought of her recent conversation with the Doctor. He warned her she would be severely in danger of falling into a depression if she continued being aloof and unattainable. He also said solitude was a state no human being would be able to bear without psychological damage. It was about time she developed a few deeper friendships as a form of balance to her responsibilities and stress associated with being a Captain he advised her.

Of course, Kathryn had been averse to the idea, she was rebelling against almost everything imposed on her. It wasn't particularly against the Doctor, it was just that _Kathryn_ Janeway somehow got lost in the last few years with _Captain_ Janeway taking her place. Acting as a Captain six years in a row , she had lost the private side of herself, the woman she once was. Realising this a rueful sigh escaped her wine red lips. But what other options did she had had?

It was a defense mechanism aquired during those lonely years. Somehow, most of the time, life was easier with the mask of Captain. But on other times… years of being Voyager's Captain, utterly alone with no Starfleet Command for support and guidance. Years where everything was her responsibility, where everything rested on her shoulders.

Alone...

Solitary...

Sometimes, when she sitting by herself in her quarters or watching how her crew had fun, deep inside the Captain, _Kathryn_ Janeway was rebelling, wanting to break free. However since Ransom and the Equinox, she feared the same could happen to her. A Captain no longer assuming the Captaincy, dismissing Starfleet protocol, orders ignored… Control would vanish from her hands.

_**That's it, Kathryn, you're scared shitless that you'll lose control over your Command, your life, your feelings, over everything. Damn it! This is why you hide behind the Captain's mask… untouchable, always right, hard, tough, bold, caring. But without the mask where will you hide Kathryn?**_

_**You know what? You've lost control long ago. Since the day when, just for fun, following a gut feeling, you decided to have a little fun with Seven and sought her closeness. Out of this fun, very soon seriousness developed.**_

_**It became out of control.**_

_**You knew exactly where this closeness would lead to and too long you ignored the feelings you developed for her.**_

_**Sometimes when this young woman, who you helped into a life of freedom, looked at you with those deep blue eyes, it appeared that she wanted to tell you something. Sometimes, she still gives you a look that's very familiar to you; desire, longing?**_

_**It's nice to spend time with this blonde young very attractive woman. The butterflies in your tummy feel good. Touching her is also very nice, even if those touches are only innocent gestures. The views of her body are also not to be neglected. How long are you longing to touch her more intimate bodyparts allready?**_

"Why did The Doctor create such a sexy outfit for her?" she murmured to herself

_**Backing out after you've tasted the fruit of these wonderful feelings was not at all easy, was it? Those feelings turned into something very intensive far too soon for you didn't they?**_

"My desires surprised and frightened me. Damn it, I can rule a ship and a crew, but my own feelings I can't handle."

In her life, this had never been one of her strong points.

_**So this is what happens when you have to live without physical attention, without sex. Your hormones steer you toward a young, innocent woman. You're helpless toward her physical attributes. You can't guard your glance.**_

"God! She must have realized that sometimes I've undressed her with my eyes."

The usual sound from her ready room door announcing someone wanting to come in interrupted her inner discussions.

"Come in!"

Tuvok stepped through the door and stood facing the higher level where Janeway was sitting behind a small table. He observed her empty coffee mug and data-PADD resting close by. Janeway's bent left arm rested on the back of the sofa as her hand supported her head. Her legs were crossed with her other hand resting on her knee. Seeing the Captain as she continued to glance out the window and not pay attention to him, Tuvok concluded she was not in the best of moods. In his years under this Captain's command, he'd learned to read her like an open book.

The Vulcan crossed his arms behind his back, "Captain, your shift ended 25 minutes ago."

"I know, Tuvok," Janeway said tiredly, interrupting her tactical security officer and long term friend.

Lost in thought, she looked through the view port into the depths of space and added quietly. "...but you don't seem to know."

With a questioning look, Tuvok lifted one eyebrow. It was not very often that the Captain allowed anyone to see the woman behind.

"Captain?"

At last, he had her full attention as she turned toward him and uncrossed her legs. Pressing both hands against the seat of the sofa, she bent her upper body gently forward and addressed him.

"We're both off duty, why do you continue to call me Captain?" Lifting her hand to keep him from answering she continued. "For 6 years I've been answering to the title. I'm a person, a person with a name, I am called Kathryn… KATHRYN!" Her voice had grown considerably louder with each word. She bent her upper body even further forward and massaged her eyebrows between her thumb and middle finger, down to the base of her nose.

"… Sorry…" she added as her body slumped.

Untouched by this small sudden explosion of feelings from Janeway, Tuvok replied.

"Logic would dictate that the time has come for you to further explore your personal friendships, to let them become more intense. Tom Paris, B'Elanna Torres or Seven of Nine are only a few individuals to consider."

Janeway didn't reply but continued to massage her nose with her right hand, her left had fallen limply to her leg. Seven's face appeared before her eyes and she thought. **_…Seven… _**a sigh left her lips, almost unperceived if it wouldn't have been Tuvok who stood in front of her.

"It is my opinion that stable relationships would be a better choice for you, Kathryn." the Vulcan continued. Finally getting the Captain to look into his eyes, he heard her say as she smiled warmly at him.

"…close friends…"

She got up and walked toward Tuvok who still stood motionless on the lower level. Facing him, she continued to smile and remained on the upper level awaiting Tuvok's next words.

"I thought I would honor my highly esteemed Captain by addressing her with her title?!" the Vulcan commented toneless.

Smirking and quirking of her eyebrows slightly, Janeway lifted both arms and let her hands trail over Tuvok's strong shoulders and arms and said.

"Yes… I appreciate that, but not on a continuous basis for 6 years."

"I am Vulcan. I do not have an issue with only professional relationships unlike humans like you who need closer friendships to remain healthy and sane when away from home for extended periods of time. Usually, this puts a great strain on most humans, even the strongest ones and I have come to the conclusion that you also follow those principles. Unfortunately, I cannot be the kind of friend you need in order for you to remain healthy and sane."

After a moment, Kathryn questioned warily. "Has the Doctor had anything to do with the fact that you're lecturing me now?"

"No. I have realized quite a while ago that you are lonely and that this state is not good for you. You are suffering and it is affecting my equilibrium. It is a known fact that human beings are bound to their emotions. That is their weak point but it is also what makes you an exceptionally superior Captain."

Suppressing her tears at Tuvok's words, Janeway simply said, her voice betraying her deep emotions for her friend. "Oh Tuvok... Sometimes I wish I was Vulcan too, then I'd control my emotions as well."

She descended the steps, walked past Tuvok and stood her back to him. As she put her right hand on her hip Seven's face appeared before her eyes again.

Tuvok turned around in time to observe in the reflection offered by the transparent aluminum window the emotions displayed on the Captain's face and said with an unusually soft tint coloring his voice.

"According to the known facts, it would be a prudent course of action for you to accept your emotions and pursue them instead of suppressing them."

Hearing this, Janeway, irritated, turned around to face him. Tuvok raised his eyebrow in response. It became evident to the Captain the Vulcan knew exactly whom she'd been thinking of. Then he continued in his colorless voice.

"Captain, if I would not be breaching Starfleet protocol by saying the following I would order for you to get some sleep. Good night Captain."

Arriving in her quarters, Kathryn immediately shed off her jacket and turtleneck sweater and threw both on the sofa without further thought. The T-shirt she wore was pulled out of her trousers before she sat down at her desk.

"Computer, open personal log Captain Janeway."

The computer responded with its typical beep.

"I've decided to take the Doctor's and Tuvok's advice seriously. Tuvok and Chakotay are the only ones who address me by my first name. Chakotay does it on a regular basis but Tuvok does it only on rare occasions." Reflecting on her long time friend and colleague she added after a few seconds. "He's very observant. I think he's been aware of my feelings for some time now. Sometimes, it scares me to think he realizes before me what's troubling me."

Thinking of the young Borg and Tuvok's advice, Janeway continued.

"Even Seven is on first name basis with most of the senior crew." Having made her decision she said. "First thing tomorrow, I'll address these emotions before it's too late. Computer, end log entry."

As she strode toward the bedroom, her boots and socks landed in front of the door. She slumped onto her bed and didn't move another inch. Two minutes later, Voyager's Captain was deep in sleep.

**Later on deck four**

"Personal log Seven of Nine, 1733 hours. From the evidence I have collected so far, I can conclude with great accuracy that men find me irresistible. I have also observed this is also accurate for some women on Voyager. That is... a fascinating and puzzling discovery. Since my arrival, many among the crew have labeled me arrogant. I find this to be inaccurate. Efficient is how I have behaved on 96.716 of occasions. For the remaining 3.284 I have failed. However, that failure does not have the same impact on me as it did before. After a philosophical discussion with Captain Janeway on stardate 51799.0, I have come to the following conclusion. I shall continue to strive for perfection even if achieving it is not attainable."

Seven stopped her recording and replayed in her head that particular philosophical discussion.

_"What is when you have reached perfection, Seven?"_

_"Then I am perfect, I have reached my goal!"_

_"And then? What else is there to do after you've reached it? For me, perfection is incompleteness." _

_"Can you explain that to me?"_

_"When one is perfect, there's nothing else to strive for any more, nothing that will engage you, nothing that will kindle your interest, nothing that will challenge you. There's nothing there any more. It'll be... boring!" _

_"Boredom is irrelevant!" _

_"Perfection is irrelevant, Seven!" _

_"Perfection is the only relevant thing." _

_"Okay, let's try it in a different way. What if the Borg have assimilated everything, when they reach the perfection they were striving for? What will the Borg do then, afterwards? Will they sit about and twiddle their thumbs?"_

_"I have not thought that far, I always only wanted to reach perfection. You are right, Captain Janeway, perfection is incompleteness."_

_"So why strive for it Seven?"_

_"I do not understand the question Captain. Is not becoming better, obtaining knowledge, exploring Starfleet's highest goal?"_

_"Yes it is. Perfection in itself is an unreachable illusion, a goal that leaves you forever incomplete and somewhat frustrated. Couldn't there be a loftier goal?"_

_"I do not know."_

_"What about love Seven?"_

_"Explain."_

_"You're human Seven. Love as many forms, each ever evolving. It asks you to become more, to engage more of yourself. It can give and take immensely. It will forever challenge you and help you become a more complete individual. Boredom and tediousness will very seldom be part of your life. On the contrary, a sense of fulfillment, excitement, inner peace and profound joy will fill your experiences."_

_"Those are irrelevant to the Borg, only perfection is."_

_"Seven you're no longer Borg! You're human with years of Borg conditioning. I understand striving for perfection has been imprinted in your psyche but to humans it's striving to become better, to be more, to be true to yourself and to others, and to love that is relevant beyond any other."_

_"I understand Captain. Ultimately seeking perfection is relevant but not to the detriment of all forms of love and friendship."_

After considering the implications of the conversation again she continued.

"It has become evident I will not attain the level of perfection reached by Captain Janeway. She is the only individual who has come close to perfection in every aspect I strive for. I owe her my life, my freedom, my individuality…

A recurring dream involving Captain Janeway changed my opinion regarding love and sexual intercourse... From irrelevance, my interest and curiosity have increased exponentially since its occurrence. In it, Captain Janeway approaches me from behind while I am piloting the Delta Flyer. She puts her hands gently on my shoulders and whispers softly into my ear. Ever so delicately her lips begin to caress my right ear as her hands move over my collarbone and further down toward my breasts. It is at that specific moment that I wake up from this dream and notice that my body is in a state of sexual arousal. Recalling this dream has the same effect.

Since coming on board Voyager, according to every known standard, I have been in the company of many compelling, appealing, attractive individuals. Previously, I have become sexually aroused in the presence of some individuals but I had never experienced this level of arousal. Only Captain Janeway has this profound emotional and physical impact on me. Friendship, respect, admiration have evolved over time to love. Having reached this conclusion, I understand Captain Janeway also has feelings for me. The glances she casts on me are different from the ones of other crewmembers. Not only does she take advantage of every opportunity to make physical contact with me, she also chooses and likes to spend her free time with me. She has told me so on several occasions. If I recognize and interpret correctly the data collected, I can theorize Captain Janeway also loves me. However, I am not certain. Human beings' behaviors and emotions are complex and difficult to decipher.

Finding the exact nature of Captain Janeway's feelings will be difficult. She will not easily concede to express her feelings for me. On the contrary, I believe she will try to avoid them because of some form of guilt and responsibility she feels. But I will not fail. Only perfection will be acceptable.

Computer, end personal log entry."

Thinking of the older woman who had been invading her thoughts and heart more and more, Seven moved away from the console located in front of her alcove and queried.

"Computer, locate Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway is in front of Cargo Bay 2." the computer responded.

Seven looked expectantly toward the double doors. Alas, the doors stayed shut. 8.5 seconds later, Seven repeated the question for the computer, and received the same answer. She continued her query.

"How long has Captain Janeway been located in front of Cargo Bay 2?"

"Six minutes and 38 seconds."

Outside the doors of Cargo Bay 2, Captain Kathryn Janeway, the woman, was walking back and forth, mumbling to herself and having another one of her inner conversations. Here, where crewman rarely came by, thoughts could be explored freely. Kathryn, in her apprehension, was reconsidering the decision made the previous night.

This morning, she had decided to make a considerable change in her life as Captain. And Seven was supposed to be the first to take full advantage of this fact.

"Follow my feelings… Right... Can I really do this? Maybe I should wait and see for a sign from Seven... Yes, that's a good idea. Wait and see. I'll first offer her to call me by my first name and then I'll wait."

_**How long are you going to torture yourself with this?**_

"Until I know what Seven feels for me or my feelings subside… What if she sees in me an old, stubborn and arrogant Captain?"

Suddenly realizing how ridiculous her behavior, the Captain stopped dead in her tracks.

"Damn it Kathryn! You're a Starfleet Captain for Heaven sake!"

Unexpectedly, the double doors to the Cargo Bay swept open and Seven of Nine stood in the doorframe looking directly at the older woman. "Captain?"

Caught of guard, Kathryn stuttered. "Seven! I… I…" Trying to get some form of control back, Janeway took a deep breath and said between tightly pressed lips. "Seven, I need to talk to you." Making a quick hand gesture toward the interior of the Cargo Bay, she strode past the blond beauty.

With a raised eyebrow, Seven said.

"Captain, you indicate signs of nervousness."

"Well…" she started without replying. She walked to the alcove, turned and faced Seven.

Biting her lower lip nervously and fumbling at her fingernails Kathryn continued.

"…I want to talk about our friendship."

Looking at the younger woman walking toward her, she took in Seven's figure, the long well-formed legs, rounded hips, flat tummy, and voluptuous breast.

_**Damn it Kathryn! Look at her face, would you!?!**_

Her gaze came to rest on Seven's face and lingered on questioning blue eyes.

_**That's better, Kate. Calm down… Look into her eyes.**_

Having caught up, the younger woman stood in front of the Captain with her arms hanging unusually limp down her sides.

"Captain, your obvious nervousness is puzzling me. Have you come to advise me of some negative news?"

Barely suppressing a smile, Janeway sat down on the alcove's steps and said in a calm voice. "No, quite the contrary. Seven, I believe a strong friendship has developed between us. I prefer to have my true friends call me by my first name. If you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you did so when we're off duty. I think it'd be a way for us to become even closer."

Seven's heartbeat accelerated. However, she didn't let it show, her full concentration focused on the voice directed at hers.

Concealing her racing heart, Seven said in a neutral voice. "That is more than acceptable, Captain."

"Kathryn!"

"Of course, Captain, ...Kathryn!"

Janeway smiled at the nervous response from Seven and said.

"It may be awkward at first but we'll adjust. Just keep in mind that I'm still your Captain. When on duty, we'll address each other formally."

"Of course… Kathryn." **_My Captain._**

Relieved, Janeway said with a radiant smile, as she patted Seven's upper arm. "Okay!"

**Day four**

Around one of Voyager's mess hall table, Tom and his girlfriend B'Elanna Torres share breakfast.

"You know the newest gossip?" The half-Klingon says.

Seeing Tom's interest, she continued. "Seven and the Captain are on first names basis."

"That can't be true." The helmsman uttered before shoveling yet another fork full of breakfast into his mouth.

"Chakotay told me."

Tom indicated toward the door with a movement of his head and said. "Speaking of the devil…"

B'Elanna turned to see the Captain and Seven of Nine enter the mess hall. Seven moved toward the young couple as the Captain walked to the replicator.

"'Good morning Seven." Tom and B'Elanna greeted in unison.

"Good morning." Seven replied in her typical tone and a slight nod of her head.

"Can the Captain and I join you?"

"With pleasure." Tom replied as he gestured toward a seat beside B'Elanna knowing he would have been the victim of her envious rage if he had offered Seven the place next to him. His action caused B'Elanna to smile warmly at him.

With a full mug of coffee in hand, Janeway walked toward the trio and said as she indicated the empty seat beside Tom.

"Good morning B'Elanna. Tom, may I?"

"How could I refuse the privilege of sitting with three wonderful ladies at my table."

Tom rose before the Captain could sit and pulled the empty chair away from the table.

"Ma Capitaine..." He said invitingly.

Janeway smiled kindly at the younger man and stated. "Thank you Tom… always a gentleman." She turned toward her chief engineer and continued. "You're a lucky woman, B'Elanna." As she spoke, she blinked at the half Klingon before seating.

"Captain..." B'Elanna started to say but was soon interrupted by the Captain.

"Kathryn!" the older woman said.

B'Ellana bent her head slightly to her side in surprise at her Captain's request.

"I'm off duty, so please, call me Kathryn." The Captain said.

When B'Elanna still didn't answer and continued to cast a questioning glance at her, the older woman decided to explain the situation.

"I have the need to hear my proper name every now and then; otherwise I'll forget who I am in the end. Since I count you two as friends, I think it's high time you use my first name when you address me while I'm off duty."

"Count me in, **Kathryn**." Tom joked innocently by emphasize her name.

A hesitant and slow "Okay…" was all B'Elanna could muster at that moment. Seconds later, the Half-Klingon returned to life and asked. "Even if just one of us is off duty?"

"Yep! If I'm the one who's off duty."

Janeway sipped her coffee and enjoyed B'Elanna's confusion. Tom, on the other hand, didn't seem to have a problem with it.

"Well, Kathy..." the helmsman said.

"Tom, let's not exaggerate." Interrupted and gently warned the Captain with a raised index finger.

Turning toward her Chief Engineer, Janeway asked. "How's breakfast?"

"It's delicious, Capt… Kathryn. Even Neelix can't mess up scrambled eggs with bacon." B'Elanna responded with a little smile.

Janeway glanced expectantly at Seven sitting across her and queried. "How about that Seven?"

Seven inspected the content of B'Elanna's plate, analyzed the smell emanating from it and responded. "Acceptable."

"It smells yummy, Seven." Tom corrected the blond woman, pointing with his fork into her direction. "I think I still have to teach you a few colloquialisms."

Seven nodded at Tom in acknowledgment.

Neelix approached the table and stated in his typically cheerful manner.

"Good morning Captain, Seven. What can I bring you both for breakfast?"

Captain Janeway looked at her moral officer / cook and said. "Neelix, please bring us two plates of scrambled eggs with bacon."

Rehearsing her newest colloquialism, Seven said. "It smells yummy." She wasn't aware that her look was one of complete adorable innocence.

Hearing this Neelix face showed a proud and big grin.

Kathryn glanced at Seven and thought. **_She can be so cute._**

Shortly afterwards, two breakfast plates were in front of the Captain and Seven. Expecting a _yummy_ meal, Seven licked her lips. Both women began eating and continued to talk with the young couple.

After a few minutes Tom asked "Seven, do you know what you're eating?"

"Scrambled eggs with bacon." The Nordic beauty responded.

Knowing he could tease Seven, Tom continued in a convincing tone. "Yes, but did you know this is a chicken's egg? Had you sat on it and bred it instead of eating it, there would have been a cute fluffy chicken evolving from it. Such as the one as you thought so dear in the holoprogram."

Seven glanced in disgust at her half-empty plate and put down the fork.

Annoyed B'Elanna said. "Tom!" Turning to Seven, she continued. "Don't listen to him, Seven. That's a replicated egg."

The blond woman pushed her plate to the middle of the table and stated. "I do not feel the desire to acquire food any more."

Now the helmsman got angry looks from both Janeway and Torres. He shrugged his shoulders and put his hands up defensively and said in an innocent voice. "What?!? I only stated a known scientific fact, nothing more."

"Did I say he was a gentleman?" Kathryn asked B'Elanna skeptically.

Torres shrugged her shoulders and teased. "Well yes! But even a Starfleet Captain makes mistakes."

**Day 6**

For everyone on the bridge it looked as if she was concentrating on some information displayed on her console, however, Captain Kathryn Janeway was once again sitting in her command chair lost in thought.

_**Will I ever stop longing for her, or do I simply crave any- or someone? What is Seven doing now? I'm sure she's being efficient as ever and that doesn't include daydreaming about a certain Captain!** _

She frowned inwardly at herself and rested her head on her hand as a gentle sigh escaped her lips.

_**Oh, come on girl! Pull yourself together and concentrate on your duty.**_

An internal comm-signal hail opened. "Torres to the Captain."

"Go ahead, lieutenant." Janeway answered.

"Captain, our dilithium is slowly but surely diminishing. I suggest we don't exceed warp two until we can replenish our supply."

"Acknowledged. Have you asked Seven of Nine to scan for it in a wide radius?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"How long will the dilithium last at warp two, lieutenant?"

"Two month max."

"Great!" The Captain commented sarcasticly. "Mr Paris, you heard the Lieutenant, reduce speed now."

"Aye Captain."

"Let's creep forward then."

_**I think it's time I popped in Astrometrics**._

Janeway got up abruptly, ran her fingers through her short hair and smoothed her uniform before telling Chakotay. "I'll be in astrometrics, you have the bridge."

The Commander nodded and managed with great effort to suppress a grin and keep a serious face. However, when she turned away and strode toward the turbo lift, he grinned broadly and thought.

_**Who would've known… Apparently, our Captain is in love.**_

While he continued to grin as he looked over the bridge until it came to a halt in Tuvok's eyes. The Vulcan seemed to watch Chakotay without expression but Chakotay's grin brightened when he saw Tukov quickly raising one eyebrow. The Commander rose from his chair, walked over to Tuvok where he leaned against the tactical console and lowered his voice so only the Vulcan could hear it.

"You're not the only one who can read Kathryn like an open book."

The Vulcan continued to work at his console without raising his eyes toward Chakotay as he quietly replied.

"The Captain's actions are, at the moment, transparent even to novice of the trade."

**Day seven**

"Personal log Captain Janeway.

The Doctor has informed me that Seven of Nine's physical development has made considerable progress. As of today, she'll only have to regenerate for 12 hours a month. After discussions with both the Doctor and Seven, the decision was made to move Seven into proper quarters. She also indicated she would prefer wearing a Starfleet uniform. There are a few areas she will have to familiarize herself with and be tested for before becoming a member of Starfleet but that should not be a problem.

I'm surprised by the speed of Seven's development. It proceeded so slowly in the beginning. I'm delighted to see how she warms to the people around her, even the ones who aren't her more intimate friends like the Doctor, Tuvok, Tom Paris and me.

Seven and B'Elanna getting on better with each other is also very pleasant. Considering the two couldn't be left together more than a few minutes. It was only a short time ago before they tried to kill each other. They make a very good team and they complement each other well in their shared tasks. I'll have the alcove in Seven's quarter be installed. Maybe Seven and B'Elanna should do this together? End personal log."

Captain Janeway straightened her jacket before leaving her quarters and walking toward Paris and Torres' quarters. When she got there she pressed the chime and immediately received entry. The young couple was lying snugly on the sofa, eating a bowl of popcorn while they listened to music.

Not expecting his commanding officer, a startled Tom quickly got up.

"Captain!"

He looked at the chronometer to his right.

"At ease, Tom, you have, for once, not forgotten the time!" She said smiling at him openly.

"What do you mean for once, I'm not late that often." he teased.

Relieved by the laidback attitude of his Captain he leaned back in the soft cushions and invited Kathryn to sit in the armchair.

After a few seconds, Kathryn looked at her engineer and stated. "B'Elanna, I'd like to ask a favor of you." As interested eyes looked on her, she continued. "Would you be able to install the alcove in the quarters next to yours?"

"Of course!" was the immediate response of the half-Klingon.

"Does that mean we get a new neighbour?" asked Tom.

"That's right. Seven is getting the quarters next to yours. She hardly needs to regenerate since her physiology has stabilised. Besides, she's made so much progress in all aspects of her development that it's become a necessity for her to have private quarters so she can continue to grow in her humanity."

Thinking of how private she'd like Seven's life to become, Kathryn was momentarily absentminded.

"It's true, Seven has made excellent progress since she came on board." spoke B'Elanna in all sincerity.

"Yes!" The Captain added still slightly lost in thought while she glanced out of the window.

B'Elanna tried to suppress a grin but she wasn't completely succeeding so she purposefully pressed her lips tightly and concentrated on appearing serious. A few seconds later, she stated in a professional tone. "I'll contact her later on. It'll take one to two days to complete the installation of the alcove. I don't expect any difficulties."

"Splendid!" the redhead said to B'Elanna's relief before turning to her helmsman. "Tom? I'll see you on the bridge in twenty minutes."

"Yes, Ma'am."

As soon as Janeway left the young couple's quarters and made her way to the bridge, B'Elanna jumped up and made a fist in victory before blurting out. "I knew it!"

"Huh?!?" Tom replied startled.

"I know there's something brewing between the two of them."

"Why do you think that? Because they call each other by their first names?" Tom asked mockingly.

"Are you blind?!! Maybe you should pay more attention to your surroundings. You're the one who sits on the bridge and is surrounded by them all the time." Shaking her head at Tom's skeptical expression she asked. "Didn't you see how her eyes sparkled just now?"

Tom shrugged his shoulders and acted as if he was not interested.

"Don't pretend you don't care!" she spat before poking his shoulder with her finger and saying. "I have a distinct feeling there's more to it than that."

The young couple exchanged a long look before Tom decided to turn away. B'Elanna's intuition had been accurate. Her boyfriend still had a few hidden little secrets. But she wasn't about to let this one go, she wanted to discover what was behind Tom's attitude.

"Maybe you're jealous, you're no longer the Captain's pet?" she asked.

A smug smile was Tom's only response.

"Don't tell me you've had eyes for Kathryn." The engineer stated in disbelief.

Tom's smug smile grew even bigger before he said. "If you weren't on board, I would have tried to get her attention already."

B'Elanna couldn't help by laugh. "This woman is way out of your league Tom." She hugged him passionately before adding. "And besides, I'm the right one for you."

Tom hugged her back fiercely. After a few moments, he relaxed his embrace and said smiling. "But you have to admit, she's a gorgeous woman!"

Smiling back at her boyfriend, she replied. "Yes, there's no doubt about that but she's way out of your league and almost everyone elses."

Tom's thoughts turned to his commanding officer and he decided to voice his observations. "She sometimes appears so lonely and sad." B'Elanna nodded in agreement and waited for Tom to continue. "I think very highly of her. She gave me a second chance when most thought I was a lost cause." A few seconds passed before he continued. "I wish she would allow herself to be happy. God knows she deserves it."

Nodding her head up and down once again, the fiery woman decided to do something about her Captain's situation and said. "Really???"

Tom recognized the conspiring look in his girlfirend's eyes and asked. "Hey, are you by any chance planning to play matchmaker?

She pursed her lips and tilted her head to one side before saying. "Oh, I don't think we'll have to play that hard but we'll have to push the Captain in the right direction."

Tom rolled is eyes. "Oh great! I hope it turns out well because we'll spend the rest of the trip scrubbing plasma conduits with a toothbrush if that becomes public knowledge."

"Don't worry, she won't know anything about it."

Captain Kathryn Janeway sat, lost deeply in her thoughts, in her command chair.

_**As if it wasn't enough I've accepted I have more than friendly feelings for her? Now she has to appear in my dreams as well… and what sort of dreams those were… **_

She was revisiting the pictures of that dream once again in her memory…

"Captain!"

...she licked her lips gently...

"Captain!"

...and a little smile swished over her face.

"Captain?" She heard Harry Kim, back at the OPS station, to the left of her.

Janeway reacted as if someone had caught her in the cookie jar. Her head snapped up and her eyes quickly wandered over the faces of Tuvok, Tom, Chakotay, and Harry studying her.

The Captain's mask was back in place, perfectly.

"I was thinking, Mr Kim. What is it?"

"The sensors have picked up a ship 2.5 light-years away. There are three life forms on board. Two are human and one is half Klingon."

Captain Janeway raised her eyebrows. Her full attention remained on Harry.

"It's a small vessel, about the size of the Delta Flyer." Harry continued.

Janeway glanced over to Chakotay and graced him with a let's-see smile.

"Hail them, Mr Kim!" Janeway ordered.

"They're responding." reported Kim.

"On screen." The Captain asked.

A few seconds later, the image of a light brown man appeared.

"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the USS Voyager…"

"Starfleet?!?" he interrupted in astonishment. "This far away from home?!?"

"We were brought here against our will and were forced to stay." replied Janeway.

"Forced to? Let me guess, you had an unexpected encounter with the Caretaker?" Behind the light brown man a second man appeared, looking grim. It was the half Klingon Harry had mentioned. Suddenly he vanished from the range of the screen.

"Then I assume you had an encounter, too?!"

"Unfortunately, yes. Where are my manners! I'm sorry, Captain… Janeway?" the man enquired about her name again and graced her with a hearty smile.

"My name is Aidan, I'm the Commander of the Demeter. My men and I were transported into this quadrant eight years ago. There were five of us when our journey began, now we're down to three. It's a harsh terrain here, as I'm sure you've come to realize."

Captain Janeway nodded with pouted lips. "Mr?"

"Aidan, simply Aidan."

"Okay, Aidan. Perhaps we could support each other in finding our way home? Would you care to come aboard Voyager to discuss it?"

"Well, as far as a rendezvous is concerned, I won't say no. We could use one or two items, and maybe you could as well. It's a very bleak area here. But a way home? How do you hope to achieve that?"

"Our sensors indicate we'll reach you within two days. Let me answer that when we can talk with each other face to face. If you need anything, let us know." she answered cordially.

"Aye, aye Captain, I look forward to meeting **you**." Aidan's smile had changed into a smirk and he winked one eye at the screen just before the stars reappeared before the bridge crew once again.

"Mr Kim, if this ship has only been 2.5 light years away, why did you not locate it earlier?" Wanting to hear from the Ensign, Tuvok turned toward the young man.

"Uhm, it was only just detected by the sensors. Maybe there was some sort of interference between us and the Demeter which inhibited the sensors." Harry defended himself.

"Gentlemen! Not to worry. Harry, help Lieutenant Torres check the sensor array. Tell her we intend to rendezvous with the Demeter and there maybe someone aboard she'd like to meet."

The pilot of the Voyager turned toward the Captain and stared in disbelief.

She realized her helmsman caught her last sentence. Janeway rose from her command chair, raising her hand soothingly, she said.

"No need to be jealous, Lieutenant. I didn't mean to imply anythingthing of a sexual nature."

"Well, Aidan most definitely implied that with that…wink of his! Or am I the only one who noticed ?"

Speaking softly, Janeway said. "Yep. In fact, it reminded me quite a bit of the Casanova you used to be Mr. Paris." In good spirits she turned to the Vulcan. "Tuvok, you've got the bridge." Walking past Chakotay, she said. "Commander, join me in my ready room?"

"Yes, Ma'am." Chakotay rose and followed the Captain.

In her ready room, Janeway slumped down in her chair behind her desk. She gave Chakotay a disgruntled look. "What is wrong with his story?" She leaned back and put her hands flat on the desktop.

Chakotay sat down in a chair in front of her desk.

"Tell me, Captain."

"You didn't see how surprised he was that we're a Starfleet ship? He didn't seem to be very happy when he realized it and that doesn't make me very happy! And that smirking smile of his didn't help matters at all."

Chakotay smiled and aped Aidan, he nudged her and said.

"He certainly seemed to take a liking to you, Captain... Janeway?"

The Captain rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in front of her. "I already have enough worries at the moment. I don't need yet another blond sunny boy trying to make a pass at me so boldly in front of my crew."

"…worries? And what would those be?" Chakotay asked, assuming her worries were official in nature.

"Uhm?"

"The worries you just mentioned…" seeing the expression on Janeway's face, he quickly concluded he'd hit a very sensitive nerve. "I'm sorry, Kathryn, I thought you were speaking in an official capacity."

"Who said it wasn't?"

"The expression on your face! It's quite telling."

An uncomfortable silence crept into the room. After a few seconds the Commander broke it.

"Can I speak openly, Kathryn?"

Janeway ran her fingers nervously across the top of her desk.

_**What could happen, he doesn't have a clue what is really troubling me.**_

She made a gesture with her right hand. "Of course, go right ahead." She sat back in her chair.

"Recently, it's been good to see how more open you've become. According to others and in my opinion, it was high time you made a change. People who care about you and who are close to you were quite uncomfortable, seeing how you've suffered under the burden of your command."

**_Where was this leading to now? _**

"Do you run meetings concerning me? I don't need your concern nor do I need any sympathy! I'm a Starfleet Captain. I was trained to deal with certain situations. And besides that, I'm not suffering."

Chakotay looked at her with skepticism.

"...anymore." Kathryn added softly.

Chakotay's face showed he was content with that.

Kathryn continued, "I have friends on this ship Tuvok, B'Elanna, Tom, …you."

"Seven! The two of you have become close friends, right?" Chakotay added, a big grin on his face, as she hadn't mentioned her.

Kathryn confirmed his addition with a small wave of her hand and turned her glance away from him.

"I didn't realize how bad it was for me since I've kept my friendships either casual or professional for such a long time. I've learned that even a Starfleet Captain has to look after and tend to friendships when she's so many light years away from home."

Thinking of a way to get the focus of the conversation away from Seven she added. "I play snooker with Tom."

Seeing her discomfort, he knowingly decided to go along with this line of conversation just for a little while longer before getting back to Seven. "He's a very good player. I've never won against him."

"I managed once, but only because he made the mistake of sinking the black ball too soon."

After a few moments of silence, Chakotay said in a more personal tone. "You play velocity with Seven quite often. She complains that you always win."

Kathryn shrugged her shoulders slightly. "I'm happy and content."

"Kathryn, is it the same happiness and contentment you felt at the beginning of our journey? When you were still in love…. with Mark?"

_**Well, that was a direct question! What should I say now? "Yes, well, apart from the fact that I'm alone and lonely, I'm really very happy!" or, "Yes, I'm happy, but what I really need now is to make love to Seven. Having it last for hours, that would really make me content!" or maybe "The only thing I need is to finally be made loved to again so I can shout my orgasms out into outer space!?"**_

"I'm okay." she said. "I feel fine. I feel much freer again since my social contacts have intensified. And I feel free enough to fall in love again when the right person comes along. I'm not concerned any more when considering Mark…"

Once more, Chakotay realized Kathryn had tried to steer the conversation in a totally different direction, a more pleasant one for her. Obviously to avoid being forced to focus on Seven. He interrupted her in the middle of her sentence, "Kathryn, that's not what I'm concerned about. And you know very well what I'm trying to imply here."

"No!" the Captain retorted, in a slightly defensive tone.

"Okay, I'm done beating around the bush…"

Janeway didn't like Chakotay's tone at all. "And I'm done talking to you about my feelings…."

"It's about Seven." Chakotay interrupted.

"What? I don't understand any of this. I don't want to discuss it any more."

Chakotay pushed on, "Oh yes I think you do! Or do I need to mention these mental vacations… Your absent mindedness while on the bridge has been noticed recently." Chakotay began again with reproach in his voice, trying not to let it sound like an accusation.

Seeing the impact of his comment on the Captain, he quickly added. "You didn't leave me any other option, Kathryn."

_**Damn, this woman could be so stubborn, so difficult that once in a while I have to throw the truth directly in her face to get her attention**._

The slender Captain suddenly stood up, angrily she said. "This discussion is finished, Commander! Dismissed." Janeway's tone had gained more force.

"Kathryn, listen to me." Chakotay too had risen from his chair. To Kathryn's dismay, he didn't show any inclination of leaving her ready room.

The Captain moved from behind her desk, trying to walk pass the tall man.

In one move, the Commander stood in her way. "Why is it so difficult for you to talk about your feelings?" Still adamant, he said "You're blocking your own path of happiness with it."

Janeway tried to avoid him, crossing over to the upper level of the room.

With her back to him, she waited with arms crossed in front of her, staring through the view port into the darkness of space. Her thoughts were on a roller coaster ride.

Did he know how she truly felt? Noone was to ever know what moved the Captain and that had to stay that way!

_**How has he managed to know about my feelings for Seven? It is as if he's looked inside me. Have I been so obvious? Have I been too careless? **_

Chakotay had moved behind her without her realizing it.

"No one can understand you better than I can, Kathryn."

Silence.

"I'm in almost the same position as you are on this ship. When it comes to these feelings, I know what it's like to walk in your shoes."

Sincere silence…

"You remember New Earth? I thought it changed something between us. We were able to really talk with each other. Kathryn, I'm your friend." His innermost being felt the need to put his hand on her shoulder, to comfort her, to support her, to give her shelter.

He raised his hand to rest it on her shoulder but before he had the chance, Kathryn broke the silence, uncertain and hesitatingly she said. "She has so much in common with me."

Chakotay's hand dropped again. **_Good Kathryn, open yourself._**

"It's the first time where everything fits together." Her voice had regained its steadiness again, it was lighter.

"Her uniqueness, her interests, her style. She's intelligent, decisive, courageous. She's beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. She would be… the perfect partner."

"Would? Meeting the perfect partner doesn't happen often. Why not use the chance?"

"It's not working!"

"Why?"

"**Because!** I'm the damned Captain!" blurted the small woman at last. "A captain should not develop a further interest in the members of his crew. "

"This is an unwritten Starfleet rule Kathryn and you know that. Even a Captain needs a shoulder to cry on every now and then, someone to hold you tight, someone to be vulnerable with, to love."

"I can't... I can't afford to be so weak."

"What are you so afraid of?"

Again silence...

Chakotay realized he wouldn't move this woman in the right direction with this approach; rather the opposite was true.

He tried another tactic. With a gentle voice he started.

"Given the circumstances, I think it's justified you look for a partner on this ship. You are after all, only human. You don't have to feel embarrassed about your feelings."

"I can't." Kathryn said in whispered voice.

"Fifty thousand light years away from any place where it would be possible! How long will it be until we reach Earth again… five, ten, twenty years? And how have these last six years been for you, Kathryn? Solitary or satisfying? You've bent Starfleet protocol more than once to accommodate the well-being this crew, why not for yourself?!"

Janeway's eyes brimmed with tears. Somehow she managed to suppress them. Chakotay didn't realize it, however, Kathryn had moved, turning her back to him. To suppress her feelings was her way, much easier than openly admitting them. During the last six years, she'd continually hidden them from herself as well. Digging them up now in front of Chakotay, was not easy for her.

"I don't even know if she feels the same way I do. I wonder if she's already capable of having such feelings. If she has, does she understand how to handle them?"

"Well, I think she's in good hands. And if you're not certain if she loves you, then you'll have to find out in the most logical and simplest way. You'll have to ask her."

"What?!?" Janeway answered in shock.

Chakotay laughed. "You're an explorer. Somehow, you'll find out. Trust your experience, trust yourself. You should. Has your sixth sense ever lead you astray?"

Again a short silence crept into the ready room.

"Kathryn, if you don't grasp the chance, you'll never be able to forgive yourself. Seven won't wait forever."

"Why do I have the feeling everyone presumes to know me better than I know myself?"

"Because it's the truth! We all live very closely together here. You really don't know the others very well because you never dared to approach them. Some have learned to read you. B'Elanna is particularly good at it. When she wants to talk with you about something, she knows instantly when a good moment arises or a bad one is looming."

Now, finally, Chakotay placed his hands gently on the delicate shoulders of his commanding officer.

"The crew loves its Captain and wants to see her happy." He looked out the view port, searching for her reflection. Then he found her glance.

Kathryn let her head sink, her breathing became heavy. She took two steps forward and his hands dropped from her shoulders.

"What scares you so much that you won't allow anyone to come closer than a meter? Have you ever asked yourself? Do you know the answer?"

Kathryn raised her head. Chakotay seem to have found a lever, a way inside at last.

Slowly she turned toward him; her arms remained crossed in front of her. The expression on her face was completely professional, no weakness, no emotion, just dignity, she was simply the Captain.

Chakotay smiled instantly.

"What?" she asked in astonishment.

"If there's one thing you have perfected, it's wearing the mask of the Captain, Kathryn!"

Janeway raised both eyebrows, puckered her lips and stared at the Commander, her head lowered slightly.

"Just be careful that mask doesn't get stuck again, as it has the last six years. Now how about if you log off duty an hour early today and have a decent and cozy breakfast in your quarters? Say… just the two of you? Just you and Seven. I'm sure I can hold the bridge on my own for an hour or so."

Kathryn's arms changed their position; she raised her upper body and put her arms akimbo, both hands on her hips. "Dismissed! Now!"

Chakotay smiled, "Aye, Captain!" He turned on the heel of his boot and left the ready room.

Janeway turned back to the view port, shifting her position as her thoughts began to wander. An unpleasant throbbing pulsed through her temples.

"Computer, reduce ambient lighting by fifty percent." Immediately, the bright light dimmed down.

_**Why did I destroy the Caretaker's Array? Why didn't I use it to get my crew home? I would have been married to Mark by now and wouldn't have to waste a single thought about my current emotional state.**_

Janeway stared at the hand on which she'd worn her engagement ring. After their second year in the Delta quadrant, she'd taken it off, placing it on top of her night table. After the third year, she'd banned it from view entirely, placing it in the drawer.

_**And Seven? Seven would still be assimilating people and destroying life.**_

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a beeping at her ready room door.

"Enter."

Tom Paris entered the room and looked searchingly for his Captain, finding her at last on the top level. Janeway turned and faced him. "Mr Paris?"

"Captain, request permission to end my shift early today."

"Why? You've only been on duty for three hours. "

"Captain, I know this is highly unusual but B'Elanna and I rarely had any time for each other in the last few weeks. Since we're not able to go beyond Warp two and B'Elanna finished the check of the sensor array already and since we've accumulated a huge amount of overtime… We thought you might give us the chance to spend time together. Lieutenant Hickman agreed to take over the rest of my shift if you decided to allow us this request."

"Lieutenant!" the Captain interrupted her pilot in a stern voice and looked at him severely.

He watched her massaging her temples and knew that meant she had a headache. And from his experience that wasn't a good sign. Tom doubted if it had been such a good idea to ask the Captain for the favor. Her glance remained stern, her eyes sparkled in the low light.

"Are you again sending secret love letters over the intercom again during shifts?"

Tom lowered is head guiltily. He heard Janeway speak. Her voice had changed from stern to understanding. "I understand how love can change a person's outlook on life and duty… when being with the one holding your heart overwhelms you."

With hope in his eyes, Tom raised his head again.

"I'll see you back tomorrow morning."

"Thank you, Captain." A happy smile graced his features before he turned on the heels of his feet.

"Ah, and Kathryn? Headaches are often caused by suppressed feelings and desires. Maybe you should try and enjoy yourself once in a while." He added and hastily left the room before his luck ran out.

**Later, on deck three**

"Personal log, Seven of Nine, 0449 hours:

As I am only required to regenerate for 12 hours a month. The Doctor and Kathryn deemed it appropriate for me to have my own quarters. Very soon, I will acquire a star fleet uniform.

"This is the first week I have inhabited these… my quarters. They are on Deck 3, immediately adjacent to the cabin occupied by Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres. I am not happy with the location. My superior hearing perceives my neighbours very prolific sexually activity. I find it quite 'challenging' to achieve a sound sleep. The Doctor has said my body requires additional time to adjust to the changes."

"Janeway to Seven of Nine."

"Computer, cease log entry." The computer beeped in response.

"Yes Captain."

"Seven, may I speak informally?"

"I am alone."

"Why aren't you sleeping? Your shift starts in three hours."

"Do I understand Captain, that you have hailed me during a designated sleep cycle, to enquire as to why I am not asleep?"

"No, it's not! The Doctor asked me to ensure you were getting enough sleep. What I meant to say… is…..… ah, why aren't you sleeping?"

Seven let a slight sigh escape her lips. "Certain external conditions are interfering with my normal sleep cycle."

"External conditions? Seven, could you be more specific?"

"My neighbours are too loud."

"Too loud? Oh, right, understood."

Seven perceived a slightly amused tone in Kathryn's voice, but she did not pursue the matter.

"Why have you hailed me when I am supposed to be sleeping?"

"Because, in fact… I suspected you wouldn't be sleeping. The Doctor told me you've been disturbed recently."

Seven's voice did not conceal her growing irritation.

"These disturbances… have not affected my efficiency or productivity in the slightest. I did in fact sleep for three hours only 2.39 hours ago. Perhaps Captain, you will tell me why you have initiated this communication?"

"Oh, Seven... okay, let's change the subject. I will end my shift at o' seven hundred. Would you care to have breakfast with me?"

"That is acceptable."

"Very well, why not meet me my quarters at 07:00."

"Indeed."

"Thank you Seven, Janeway out."

"Computer, resume personal log entry."

"I have recently discovered I am experiencing a personal phenomenon. One that is most irritating, at the very least… annoying. On three separate occasions, my ability to concentrate diminished when Kathryn addressed me personally. I have difficulty concentrating on her words. I find myself concentrating on the sound of her voice. It is entrancing. Furthermore, my acoustic comprehension is reduced and my visual acuity intensifies whenever I look at her body, her sparkling grey-blue eyes, and her lips… lips that produce a wonderful smile, illuminating her entire face. Even when observing her numerous gestures as she speaks, I see her lovely, delicate hands.

These biological reactions happen in a matter of miliseconds. I believe she has not detected my preoccupation, but should this phenomenon persist, I will require assistance in managing my responses.

I am expending significant amounts of time daydreaming about her. My pulse, heartbeat and respiration increase whenever she touches me. I believe I am "nervous" when she is in my immediate vicinity and I continually feel the urge to be physically close to her. Is this what being "in love" feels like? I feel as if my heart is in extreme disarray".

Computer, end personal log entry".

**0650 hours, deck three**

Seven exited her quarters at the same moment B'Elanna stepped out from hers. "Good morning Seven, did you slept well?" The very content chief engineer chirped.

Seven drew a deep breath, "NO! I definitely cannot say I slept well." leaving a slightly tense impression with the other woman.

"Well, I'm sure you'll get used to sleep eventually!" The half-Klingon patted Seven chummily on the shoulder and followed her along the corridor.

"Surely!" Seven raised both her eyebrows and took a deep breath.

"You're up very early today. Your shift doesn't start for another hour. Are you clocking overtime again?" B'Elanna questioned Seven and together they walked toward the turbolift.

"I must see the Captain." said Seven.

"What did you manage to do wrong this time that would cause her to want a word with you during her night shift?"

Seven did not want to answer. B'Elanna watched her intently and raised both eyebrows expectantly. Even though she now classified B'Elanna as friend, this woman could still be very annoying, especially when nagging, as Seven experienced several times already.

Several seconds passed, they just stood staring one another. Seven thought, **_B'Elanna will not give up so easily this time. Not until she has an answer._**

Finally, Seven took a deep breath. "We will be sharing breakfast together."

"But her shift lasts until eight o' clock."

"She will finish her shift an hour earlier." Seven said in exasperation.

B'Elanna widened her eyes " ...mmmh!" and a smirky smile crept over her face. "ahhh!"

"Please explain mmmm and ahhh".

The half-Klingon attempted to put her arm around Sevens shoulders in a friendly gesture. Unable to reach Seven's full height, she glanced around quickly, making sure no one was listening, then she stood on tip toe, moving her head close to Seven's ear and whispered. "It is quite obvious you two feel something for each other…"

Seven of Nine raised an eyebrow questioning.

"…if you know what I mean, eh?!"

B'Elanna froze her action as Seven turned to face her abruptly. The ex-Borg began checking her database wanting to be one hundred percent sure she really understood what the half-Klingon was trying to hint at. Her voice raised slightly, as she went into defense mode, she shifted to formal address. "I understand what you are implying, Lieutenant… and I do not believe..." Suddenly, Seven fell silent, she hesitated a moment then asked in calm, curious tone, "… is it really _that_ obvious to everyone?"

"To everyone? No, but for me and Tuvok it is. You know you can't hide anything from him, and well, maybe Chakotay. Do you realize you were the first one, besides Chakotay, she ever allowed to address her using her first name? I've been on this ship far longer and she didn't extend the privilege to me until well after you…" slight disappointment was noticeable in her voice. The two women continued walking.

"She appears to be far more open to all the senior crew recently. Perhaps because she values me as a friend, she initiated first name familiarity with me first."

"Well of course! Seven, don't tell me you've never noticed how she treats you differently from everyone else? I've gotten to know Janeway pretty well. You know after a while, you can read her like a book. Tuvok is very good at that."

They stopped in front of the Captain's quarters. Seven was still in defense mode. "Captain Janeway does not prefer me, that would be inappropriate for a Starfleet Captain."

"She finished her shift an hour earlier to have breakfast with you, didn't she? So please... give me a break! Come on, see me to the lift." B'Elanna pushed Seven on toward the turbo lift, while another sigh escaped the Borg woman.

The half-Klingon kept on chatting. "Ah well, I'd have to agree with you, she is more open toward the crew recently. It's high time after all, I would have run amok in her situation a long time ago. I don't know how she's managed on her own all these years. …well then?"

"Well then, what??" Seven was obviously irritated.

B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "You should see the two of you, the glances you cast toward each other are so apparent, even I can interpret them. And Kathryn is quite obvious about them. And you? What does that chip inside your cortical node register?" B'Elanna dared to lightly tap Seven's forehead.

Seven quirked her eyebrow at B'Elanna's gesture and said. "Her stare can sometimes be very intense. However, I lack the experience to identify these things properly."

"Well I don't, and I can telling you the looks are quite evident. I've observed her expression many times."

"And what do her expression say?"

B'Elanna began to fan herself with her hand, she made a face as if she were suddenly very hot. "Phew!"

"You are much more efficient in using your body language than you are with words."

"Thank you very much." B'Elanna commented back cheekily. "So how do you want to proceed? I don't think the Captain will make the first move."

Seven thought. **_If B'Elanna knows Kathryn is interested in me, her knowledge and help could be useful. I shall make use of this._**

"How do I recognize that she…" Seven was searching for the appropriate words. "is interested in me? How do I determine if she is in love with me?"

"Well, now we're talking the same language. When you're close to her, look for typical human reactions that indicate interest in… copulating, as you would put it." After giggling a little, the half-Klingon continued. "A widening of her pupils, an increase in breathing would be signs I'd look for."

Still mulling over B'Elanna's teasing, Seven said. "I ceased to use the word 'copulate' 24.8 days ago."

Not commenting on Seven's remark, B'Elanna continued. "If you detect the signs, you'll easily know if she's horny."

"Horny? Is that yet another form of colloquialism?"

"Yes, but you shouldn't use it in her presence. I think she is more of a romantic." Looking at Seven's puzzled expression, the fiery engineer asked. "So, what's your plan of action?"

"I am Borg!" was Seven's answer.

"Seven, you stopped being BORG a long time ago. And what does that have to do with it?"

"Resistance is futile! She will comply."

As the two very different women reached the turbo lift, B'Elanna looked at Seven in disbelief.

A ghost of a smile quickly passed over Seven's lips before she explained. "That was a joke!"

B'Elanna laughed heartily as a picture of Seven pursuing the Captain took form in her mind. She couldn't suppress a comment from escaping her lips. "The new Tertiary adjunct of Captain Janeway!"

At the same moment, the turbolift door opened and Janeway stood in front of them. B'Elanna choked on her own words.

_cough wheeze _"Captain? Good morning, Captain! Ma'am." B'Elanna whizzed past Janeway and entered the turbolift. "… and bye!"

Before the doors closed, the two other women saw a broad grin appear on the engineer's face. "Have fun!" A quick wave from B'Elanna was the last thing they saw before the door closed.

"And just what was that all about?" Janeway asked with a stifled laugh as she subtly raised her left hand and placed it on Seven's shoulder.

Seven realized the warmth radiating from Janeway's touch and as she was gently guided toward the smaller woman quarters, she thought. **_Yet further proof of my theory. _**Not sure if the Captain overheard B'Elanna's commentary Seven added.

"We had a friendly conversation."

"Indeed?" responded a curious Kathryn who kept looking directly at the blonde woman.

Realizing the smaller woman was trying to get more information with her question, Seven decided she would not to concede to the desire of her Captain.

"It would not be fair to Lieutenant Torres to mention the content of this conversation without her being present."

"Ah, right, okay!" The Captain pressed her lips tightly together and looked suspiciously at Seven.

After a moment of silence, Janeway lightly smirked and asked. "Seven, what do you lust for?"

Puzzled by the choice of words, Seven looked at Janeway and raised her eyebrow. "Define what you mean by lust."

Another smirk quickly passed over the lips of the smaller woman. "I meant breakfast."

"Of course, breakfast. I do not know." Responded the tall woman

Still looking at Seven, Janeway said. "Well then, if it is _acceptable_, I'll decide for you."

After a moment, Seven answered. "It is acceptable." Remembering her recent breakfast experience in the mess hall, she added. "As long as it is not scrambled eggs and bacon… and not something that would later develop into a fluffy cute life form."

Janeway smiled at the comment and asked. "How about something sweet instead of the more hearty stuff?"

As they continued walking toward the Captain's quarters, Seven simply nodded her approval.

"Are you up for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?" Janeway queried.

"I believe I am up to the task." Seven said with the slightest of smiles.

"Well, if you want to be one hundred percent sure, you'll have to try one."

After Seven followed her into her quarters, the redhead said. "Make yourself comfortable."

Kathryn turned toward the tall blonde after ordering a coffee from the replicator. Seven looked like a soldier standing at ease in before their commanding officer. Looking toward her Captain, the younger woman remained motionless in the middle of the room, her hands clasped behind her back and legs slightly apart. Taking note of Seven's posture, Kathryn thought. **_Should I have expected anything else? _**Slightly smirking, Kathryn continued her observations. **_Legs pointing upwards…_**

"What?" Seven asked.

When she heard the younger woman's query, Janeway realized she'd once again undressed Seven in her daydreams. Lifting her coffee mug to her lips in an attempt to hide her embarrassment; she walked toward Seven and took a sip before saying. "Please sit down."

"I prefer to stand." was Seven's cool response.

Janeway smirked again. "Well, if you want to remain standing while we're having breakfast it's your prerogative but could you please sit down while I prepare breakfast?"

"No. I wish to assist you in this task." responded Seven.

"Oh, okay." Kathryn answered and smiled, surprised by Seven's request. The Captain took another sip from her coffee and put the empty mug on the table beside her. Looking deep into Seven's eyes, she unzipped her jacket, slipped out of it and draped it over the back of a chair.

"Come." Janeway said in a low sultry voice and a slight movement of her head. It was the only invitation Seven needed as she followed Kathryn to the replicator.

While having breakfast, Kathryn apprised Seven on what happened during the night shift.

"We'll meet with them in about two day's time. I'm curious what they'll have to say." Were the last words the Captain recalled.

Kathryn watched Seven intently as she continued talking to the younger woman over her meal.

An overly enthusiastic Seven took a bite from her sandwich, swallowing a larger gulp of milk than she was accustomed to, causing her to wipe her mouth across the sleeve of her biosuit. Kathryn couldn't help but smile, chuckling tenderly at the younger woman. Recognizing the redhead's contagious smile was due to her actions, Seven smiled back. This only made Kathryn's own smile even more radiant.

"Does the manner in which I consume this breakfast amuse you Kathryn?" Seven queried, a slight upturn of the corners of her mouth was noticed by Janeway.

Kathryn couldn't suppress a hearty laugh. "Somehow. My sister…" Still amused, she heard Seven say.

"Phoebe."

When her laughter died down, Kathryn responded with a smile. "Yes. She had a similar zeal as a child."

Questioning the last comment, Seven tilted her head and raised her ocular implant.

Kathryn understood Seven's nonverbal cues and answered the unspoken question. "She always wiped away her milk off with her sleeve. Our mother always chastised her then."

Noticing the brief look of longing on Kathryn's face, Seven asked. "Do you miss your family?"

"Of course." Kathryn responded as she looked toward the shelf where she'd arranged some pictures.

Seven could only see the one closest to her from where she was sitting. "Is that your family, the one on the extreme right?" she asked.

"Yes, it was taken just before I joined Starfleet Academy." The Captain replied as memories of that day flooded her thoughts.

The blonde woman stood, walking toward the display of family pictures and looked at the particular image before eagerly asking. "How were you as a child?"

"I was a little miss know-it-all and as curious as I am today." Kathryn rested her head in her hand and brought her finger to her lips before adding. "And even more stubborn than I am now."

"Most unlikely!" teased Seven. After studying the other pictures systematically she committing them to her idetic memory, she inquired. "Do you have a picture of you when you were a child?"

"Yes I do." answered Kathryn softly. She rested her eyes on the young woman, studying her body, Kathryn began to unconsciously suck her finger. Her eyes slowly raked over the figure so beautifully displayed beneath the blue biosuit. Strong thighs… Firm ass... Shapely hips… As she continued her delightful examination, she imagined her hands traveling and exploring this exquisite body. **_Kate! You are undressing her again! Stop it, NOW! _**When she realized she was nibbling her finger, she quickly pulled it out from her mouth and straightened her back. Relieved that Seven had not caught her wandering eyes and inappropriate behavior, Kathryn quickly added. "However, it's not on the shelf. I keep it in an album."

Seven looked toward Kathryn and requested. "May I see it?"

"Certainly, but not now." she replied gently. After a small pause, Kathryn said. "Seven, please sit down. I have something I'd like to talk to you about."

Seven quirked an eyebrow, returned to her seat and waiting for the Captain to begin.

"I've had some negative reports about your current behavior. I'd like to help somehow, if I can." Kathryn began. Seeing the blonde's face taking on a dark expression and her shoulders sag, the older woman mentally berated herself for her careless choice of words. She gently put her left hand on Seven's and she continued. "Seven… This is not intended as a reprimand. Your work efficiency is unparallel. But some of the crew have recently indicated that you've been quite cranky. They know your drive for perfection and are aware you don't care for small talk but your recent reactions are not typical for you. Is there something troubling you to cause this behavior?"

"I am not accustomed to a sleeping regimen. I still prefer to regenerate. The task of sleep has come with many challenges. I find it difficult to adapt."

"Understandably, lack of sleep can affect one's mood. I'd like to help if..."

The conversation was interrupted by a com-signal hail.

"Doctor to Captain"

Kathryn took her hand off Seven's and rubbed her forehead. Knowing exactly what the Doctor wanted to discuss, she took a deep breath before she raised her head and answered. "Go ahead, Doctor."

"Captain, you were supposed to see me before your shift yesterday. You are aware I need to give you a complete physical." The Doctor sounded annoyed.

Janeway adopted her most sincere tone of voice and she said. "I'm sorry Doctor. I completely forgot."

"Forgot?!? That would be twice in two days. I'd be remiss not to advise the first officer if you were somehow incapacitated and not fit for duty. Captain, I could have to remove you from command because…"

"Doctor!" interrupted Janeway. After taking a deep breath, she continued in a voice that she hoped would sound charming. "Why don't we just schedule a new appointment? All good things come in three, don't they?"

There was a short silence.

"Ah, very well Captain!" The Doctor replied curtly.

A triumphant smirk was displayed in the Captains face bevor the Doctor continued. "Captain, you know the importance of the annual physical. Forgetting again would be unwise since some examination can be more difficult than others. I wouldn't want yours to be one of the latter."

Kathryn's face paled rapidly when she heard the last sentence which wasn't lost on Seven.

"You know how important your inoculations and contraceptive updates are." The Doctor continued.

Janeway rubbed her forehead again before mumbling to herself. "And the latter is naturally quite unnecessary as Captain lost in this quadrant."

"Captain, do you intend to spend the rest of your life in celibacy!?!"

"Now is not the time to have this discussion, Doctor." Retorted Kathryn clearly annoyed at the EMH. Having made her decision, she adopted the tone of voice everyone knew meant the discussion was over and challenging her would be highly foolish. "I'll see you in three days Doctor. I can't be in any earlier. Janeway out." Before she could be interrupted again she added. "Computer privacy lock on my combadge."

"Privacy lock confirmed." responded the computer with its usual detachment.

Kathryn stood and walked to the window where she tried unsuccessfully to concentrate her thoughts on the passing stars.

"You are troubled." the young woman stated as she walked over to her Captain. Seven quickly assessed that the older woman was lost in thoughts, light years away and did not want to discuss Seven's previous statement. That did not deter the blonde beauty from continuing. "I have noticed that the Doctor's bedside manners are sometimes nonexistent. I have told this on several occasions. I will look at his programming matrix and try to correct this situation."

"That won't be necessary Seven. It's not what I'm worried about." The Captain answered still looking out the viewport.

"The Doctor mentioned you were not very keen on your physical, why?"

There was a short silence before she answered in a small voice. "Because in the past, I've had some bad experiences with doctors." Janeway turned to look at Seven and sat on the ledge formed by the junction of the hull and the viewport.

"The Doctor would not harm you. He is only worried about your continued well being." Seven stated.

Looking at the floor, Janeway said in a voice barely audible. "I don't have a problem with the Doctor, only with the physicals. They remind me too much of an experience I once had and having to think about it again is not something I care to experience."

Wanting to know the exact source of her Captain's pain she asked. "What was that experience?"

Deciding to evade the question, Janeway answered. "It was a long time ago."

Not deterred by the redhead's evasiveness, Seven continued her query. "How long ago was it?"

"Very long."

Seven drew a deep breath. Patience was her only option since she had to extract every single word out of the Captain. But she wanted this cat and mouse game to end and stating what she already knew was her only option so she stated bluntly. "This is a result of your capture by the Cardassians where you were tortured and assaulted."

Janeway's head snapped up and she gave Seven a somewhat angry look before saying. "That was equally insensitive!"

"I am sorry." came the cool but honest reply.

After a few awkward moments, the Captain questioned hesitantly. "How do you know?... Who told you?"

"It is in your Starfleet file." Seven flatly stated.

"It's only accessible for a few people and you're not one of them." Kathryn said sternly.

Seven slightly raised one eyebrow and responded with arrogance. "I am Borg."

"This time, I'll let this invasion of privacy go unpunished but only if you promise not to do it again."

Seven nodded her approval before saying. "I promise."

"Why did you read my file?" Kathryn asked.

"Because I wanted to know more about you." was Seven's forthright response.

Puzzled, the older woman furrowed her brow and questioned again. "Why didn't you just ask?"

"At that time, it was impossible. Only a deeper friendship would have given me access to this knowledge and we were not friends yet." After a few seconds, she added in a soft voice. "I did not mean to hurt you."

Kathryn waved her hand dismissively. "You didn't hurt me Seven. I just don't want to remember the suffering and the torture associated with that time." **_And the nightmares that are following the nights after._**

Of course Kathryn felt vulnerable, but that was only obvious to a few people. She took great care of not letting anyone get to close. It was a known fact; getting to know her was a daunting task. But Seven learned to read other signs that gave her insights into her Captain's state of mind and decision making process. She had come to the conclusion her commanding officer had, very early on, learned to compartmentalize her feelings and emotions. This command mask was the result of her life experiences.

"I have also experienced a lot of suffering. My assimilation was torture. Like you, I do not appreciate thinking back on it." Recalling the painful memories, she stated. "I would rather die than be assimilated again. The Borg took away so much of my humanity. They replaced it with all this technology. I strongly doubted I would ever be human again."

Kathryn was seeing a side of Seven she never had before. In fact, it was the first time Seven had spoken openly about her assimilation.

"Knowing you're not the only one to have experiences something like that makes it easier to live with. Shared pain is shared gain, they say." Taking a few seconds to gather her courage, Janeway continued. "My first mission was heaven and hell! I found my first real love but I've also had to learn what torture means."

"You were very young when it happened to you."

"Younger than you are now. Just before I turned twenty-two…" Kathryn stated, her voice barely a whisper. Her thoughts brought her back to a time she didn't like to remember. Again, she looked out of the viewport. Silence filled the Captain's quarters.

After long moments, she began recalling the less disturbing parts of her experience. With sadness filling her voice, she said. "They'd locked me into a small, dark and wet hole. I could barely move, let alone sit upright. The screams of other prisoners were constantly heard and I was scared knowing I'd probably express the same cries of pain. Their doctor tortured me with the help of injections and other instruments. They injected me with painful drugs. However, I was saved the worst of it since I was only of a lower rank officer without much knowledge. They ridiculed my human features, they hit me, they kicked me."

"Are some of your scars still visible?" Seven asked.

The petite woman pointed with one finger to the one over her left eyebrow and the other below her lip on the left.

"One of them was drunk. He groped me. He wanted to force himself on me. I wasn't about to let him do that to me so I defended myself. He left me these two souvenirs. When I look into the mirror, they're constant reminders of that experience. Physicals have the same effect."

Seven took a few steps toward the small woman. When she got closer and raised her right hand she said. "You have scars, just as I have."

Seven studied Kathryn's face. She tilted her head slightly to the side. Her lips slightly parted let Kathryn feel her soft breath on her face. With her right hand, she gently touched Janeway's forehead just above her left eyebrow. Her fingers barely touched Kathryn's skin and caressed the scar. The redhead could sense the warmth radiating from them. She didn't dare to move and disturb this magical moment. On the contrary, she never wanted it to end. It felt wonderful to be so close to Seven, to feel her gentle touch. The fingers made their way down Kathryn's left eyebrow to her temple, then lower still, past the eye and over her cheekbone. With her superior Borg senses, Seven noticed the smaller woman's accelerated breathing, dilated pupils and flushed skin. The blonde beauty's fingers slowly traced Kathryn's profile and were traveling unhurriedly toward the smaller woman's inviting lips. **_How does it feel like to touch them, kiss them? _**Seven asked herself

All this time, Janeway had looked into Seven's blue eyes. Eyes that took in every part of the skin her fingers had caressed and touched with reverence. When Seven's finger made their way toward Janeway's lips, she could feel Kathryn's pulse beating wildly.

"Don't!" Kathryn breathed softly as she put her left hand on Seven's before she could reach her lips.

They continued to look into each others eyes intensely while Kathryn pulled away Seven's hand slowly from her face. The petite Captain kept her hand around Seven's as she pulled it downwards. Seconds seemed like minutes. No words were spoken. The air was electric. Only when Janeway lowered her eyes to her hands did she realize she had kept Seven's in hers all along. As they looked into each other's eyes once again, a slightly embarrassed Kathryn reluctantly loosened their connection without breaking eye contact.

**_If she was aware of what that look tells me? _**Seven thought as she analyzed the smaller woman body language.

Breaking the silence, Seven asked. "Is this uncomfortable for you?"

Kathryn lowered her head again before answering. "This is a very intimate gesture, Seven."

"I am aware of that." Responded the blonde beauty in a tone of voice her Captain had never heard before.

Kathryn's head sprang up. "Seven…" she breathe, in a whisper.

As blue eyes gazed gently into grey-blue ones, Seven continued in the same voice. "I also know about other things."

"I…" It was still a whisper. Kathryn got up and walked toward her bedroom. She wanted to get some distance between Seven and herself before her feelings completely took control of her actions. Her body was screaming at her, she desperately wanted to take this beautiful woman here and now. As she got to her bedroom door, she stopped and turned toward the younger woman and said in a once again stable voice. "Seven, I'm sorry but I'm tired." **_Coward. _**She thought.

"Of course... have sweet dreams, Kathryn." A tentative smile crossed her face before she turned on her heels and left her Captain's quarters.

Looking at her quarters' door, Kathryn thought. **_That was far too fast, Seven was more ready than I ever anticipated. _**She walked across her bedroom and entered her bathroom. She pulled off her turtleneck sweater and the T-shirt in one movement and dropped them on the floor. She continued disrobing until she stood in front of the mirror in her grey Starfleet underwear. As grey-blue eyes looked at her reflection, she thought. **_You want her Kate. _**Continuing her examination, she put two fingers on the scar above her eyebrow and caressed it just as Seven did. **_Seven's intentions were crystal clear. I can have her. Why did I deny it?_**

She imitated the gesture Seven had used and traced the line Seven's fingers had followed.

Chakotay's words echoed in her head. **_What are you afraid of? Why do you not let anyone get close to you? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Do you know the answer?_**

Of course she knew the answer. **_Am I a coward?_** She thought.

_**Yes!**_

_**And why?**_

**_Because I've already lost three people I love dearly? And because this pain was and sometimes still is unbearable?_** **_Dad and Justin! It was hell losing those two men in one fell swoop. It took me so long to regain the courage to fall in love again. God knows without Phoebe I would have never made it through._**

_**The letter from Mark! My love for him was the only thing I could be certain about during the first years traveling through the Delta Quadrant. I lied in bed crying night after night after receiving his letter.**_

**_And now Seven? Will I lose her too? I'm scared._**

**_It is time to get up again and for life to continue. _**Remembering what her sister said when she had been in bedridden by depression and self-pity for months after loosing her father and Justin, she thought. **_If I don't do anything, I will definitely lose her._**

"Seven, I love you." she whispered into the mirror for her reflection to hear.

Captain Janeway pulled the sheets and settled into her bed with a deep sigh**. _A beautiful young woman right in front of you who wants more from you, and you ask her to leave? Are you still sane, Kate?!?_**

Another sigh escaped her lips when a picture of what could have happen now in this bed took form in her mind. "Computer, lights out."

She looked to the ceiling while the stars warped past her window. For a few seconds, her thoughts turned to Seven and this morning's discussion. Then her thoughts trailed back, further back than she wanted.

She heard the voices again, shouts, cries, brutal laughter.

_**No, don't go there, you know you won't like it.**_

But as much as she tried to suppress her recursion, her thoughts wandered back into the merciless past.

Darkness!

Dampness!

Cries!

Pitch black darkness!

Groaning and whining reached her ears.

She was back in her small pitch dark hole hearing cries, those horrible pain-ridden cries. Some time later, she only perceived silent moaning before it ceased. She knew that person was dead.

Time didn't have a meaning here. She didn't know how long she had been here. Wherever here would be.

Half a year ago, she was just setting out for her first interstellar mission under the command of Admiral Owen Paris. She was proud to be his first choice and approached her work with enthusiasm and anticipation on the scientific mission on the USS ICARUS.

As it turned out, the mission was a cover up for another more dangerous spy mission. The aim: to collect as much data as possible about the Cardassian Movement.

Just half a year later, she'd left the academy and here she was, at the end of her lifeThe face of Lieutenant Thige appeared in front of her inner eyes. **_Justin Thige! Why did I have to think about him right now?_**

_**Because you are in love with him, Kate.**_

_**Will I have the chance to see him again? Will I survive?**_

_**Mom… Dad… Phoebe, will I see them again?**_

_**Starfleet has to get us out of here… alive.**_

Admiral Paris' voice still sounded in her head. It was the last thing he said to her before she awoke in this hole again. "_Whatever they threaten you with, Kathryn, never tell them the truth. Don't be challenged, don't lose your pride and your courage however hard it might be. But don't try to be the hero, either."_

Then, darkness and the threatening silence came back. Kathryn began to doubt. Had she imagined everything?

The first time she woke up in here, she could hardly wait to get out of this tiny, damp hole. Meanwhile, she was quite happy when she was not taken out of it any more. Her uniform was wet, dirty and her hair was encrusted with dried blood and dirt. And it still smelt of vomit in here.

When they first took her, they had been friendly. Gul Camet had been a courteous Cardassian until Kathryn had refused to give away any more information, or rather, until the information she provided did not match his expectations any more. After that, what happened could not have been described as being unpleasant any more. Unbearable was more fitting a word for it.

She had received a battering from two tall Cardassians. All Cardassians were tall, taller than humans, and especially taller than her. The memory of their physical advantages was still vivid in her body. Without mercy they had hit on her and kicked her until she was dragged back into her pit.

For a very long time, she receive neither food nor drink. She was starved for so long, she was willing to eat the muck from the damp floor. But before she could fulfil her desperate plan, she was again dragged from her hole. She was presented delicate food and she gulped it down without further thinking. Only afterwards did she wonder why they had been so friendly again. Was this yet another attempt to manipulate her, to retrieve information? But why did they do it like this? Why not the way Gul Camet had threatened her with during the interrogation? With drugs which could have made her tell anything and with a pain so intense she couldn't have imagined it before.

In a very unpleasant way, she soon realised that this didn't had anything to do any more with resourcing information. Gul Camet had said they didn't expect a lot of knowledge from an Ensign and that now, she would serve other purposes, such as being a guinea pig in their training unit of recruits.

She was thrown to the floor brutally and someone injected her with a drug with a needle that looked neither clean nor attractive. As rusty and dirty as the needle looked like, it was clear it wasn't disinfected, and the huge canula was not very pleasing to the eye either. She couldn't help a moan of distress excaping her when the needle pierce her upper arm. As soon as the drug hit her system, dizziness spread, spasms rode her body as if she was electrocuted, and you could hear moaning escaping her. Seconds later, she was retching. And it continued until the only thing she could vomit was bile.

Sometime later, they returned her to the pit where she huddled.

Her hunger was about to overtake her when they brought her food. This time, it wasn't a feast but at least something edible and water.

They left the hatch open meanwhile, which made her wonder. Did they want to ensure she was eating? Or did they want to give her light for eating?

The answer was soon apparent in yet another attack of retching, and the guards laughed with delight. The drug was still active in her system. The vomiting went on for another three times until it weaned off at last. They gave her food, and she knew she would have to vomit soon after consumption, and yet she had to eat, her fierce hunger made her. The stench of her own puke crept again into her nose. She was glad vomit was the only thing she excreted so far since her cells had not yet been cleaned.

A knot formed in her throat and tears ran down her dirty face. She thought of her family again. **_Daddy… he's an admiral, he'll do anything to get me back._**

Then she heard steps again, and voices and wiped her tears from her face quickly. The voices became louder but remained unintelligible until… she shuddered when she thought she'd heard her name. She hoped they would keep on. Her hopes died when the steps abruptly stopped directly above her.

"... Starfleet... female" she heard. Cold waves ran down her spine.

When the hatch was opened, the bright light blinded her for a moment. She squinted her eyes in reflex and welcomed the fresh air that streamed into her lungs.

"She doesn't know a lot, but she will suffice for training purposes. She has not been very talkative since we gave her the serum," he laughed. "I presume she is holding a grudge about that. But you can probably make her state her name and rank if you're good."

Her heartbeat accelerated as she managed to open her eyes a tiny bit and only perceive blurred outlines.

"Hello, young woman, have you eaten already today?" A shared laughter followed the question. She tried to open her eyes again but the bright light was still too painful.

"You remember me, don't you?" She recognised Gul Camet's voice.

Janeway felt two rough hands on her collar before she was unceremoniously lifted from her pit and trown to the hard floor. She was grabbed again and dragged to the adjacent room.

Now she was able to open her eyes again. Still on all fours, she looked around the room. Beside Gul Camet, there was a young Cardassian and further down at a little table were yet another two, probably security.

"May I introduce you to Jepar? He will practice something on you. Now, mind your manners, pretty woman, you are the first human he's seen in his life."

"She is quite a small one." She heard Jepar, the young Cardassian, say as she got up. He seemed to be quite taken with her and scrutinised her several times from top to bottom. If it had been Lieutenant Thige who looked her over like that she wouldn't have minded at all, quite the contrary. But this sleazy guy? Hadn't she heard somewhere that Cardassians preferred smaller women? It was prablably wise to show her unattractive side now before he got ideas.

"What's your name?" Jepar asked, trying out an imposing voice.

With hostile sparks in her eyes, Kathryn looked up at him without answering. He raised his hand slowly and was about to grope her face but she quickly spat at him before he could achieve his goal. Without changing his expression, he wiped the spit on his clothes.

"What is your first impression?" Camet wanted to know.

"She's a science officer. At least, that's what the colour of the uniform tells me. Her pips are those of an Ensign but she might have discarded some of them before being captured to fool us?!"

Camet scrutinised Kathryn but remained friendly while he was informing his disciple "She is too young to be more than an Ensign of junior grade, but maybe one of the members of her family holds a higher rank in Starfleet?" In a surprisingly gentle gesture, he stroke her chin with one finger. Realizing with he was doing, she promptly drew away from it.

"Give her name to the computer, let's see if he can come up with something." Gul Camet ordered the young Cardassian who went to the small computer console to report a few seconds later in surprise.

"There is an Admiral Edward Janeway at Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco. Married, two daughters, Phoebe and Kathryn."

Ensign Janeway didn't want to let her surprise show, but she didn't manage. The shock was clearly visible in her face, especially for such a seasoned man as Gul Camet.

"Admiral Paris was very talkative after we cared for him. He has yielded lots of information."

Young Jepar turned away from the console and imposed himself in front of Kathryn. "Ah, we've got an admiral's daughter here. Maybe that makes her snobby, she probably doesn't talk to everyone?" He hit her face.

Only now did she realise he smelt of alcohol and wondered if that was to her disadvantage or if she could take advantage of it.

"Come here, let me see you." He grabbed her neck.

Probably it was to her disadvantage.

He pulled roughly her body towards him and groped her buttock with his big hand. Kathryn fought him with all the strength her weakened body could muster. As she battled him, Jepar continued to touch her. He pushed one hand into her crotch and she twisted in disgust. For a few moments, he lost his balance. She took advantage of the moment and gave him a hearty kick between the legs.

When Jepar uttered a painful groan and doubled up, the two Cardassians sitting at the table laughed loudly at him. Having turned her head to see were the noise came from, she almost missed the fact that Jepar was back on his legs and was swinging a strong left hook . But Kathryn dodged the swing skilfully and brought the Cardassian out balance again.

"Damn human!" He scowled.

The two guards laughed again at him while he was scrambling up.

Gul Camet hit Jepar in the face. "You are such a wimp. Don't let her show you, instead show her what you have to tell her."

The guards at the table were still laughing and called out to Kathryn "Come, little one, show him what you can do."

Kahryn looked at the two men and felt quite superior. That was a mistake. Suddenly, everything was over. She was hit in her back, and she heard the sounds of what she thought were bones breaking. Had Jepar broken her spine? She heard herself scream and time slowed as she fell and hit the stone floor with her forehead. Fractions of seconds later, she saw flashes of light dance in front of her eyes. She was not about to die, and her neck was not broken but she could feel her entire being engulfed in pain as kicks followed, against her thighs, her back, her chest. A hand seized her brutally by the shoulders and forced her to stand. She was dragged onto her feet and stood swaying from dizzyness. She looked to see undisclosed anger on Jepar's face which caused Kathryn's fear to well up again.

She was alone amongst enemies and could imagine what would happen to her. Her own experiences here and the cries of the other tortured captives were clue enough for her mind to come to conclusions. Though not for quite a while now, she'd even recognised Admiral Paris' cries. Was that a good or a bad sign? Or was he possibly dead already?

Jepar made a disgusting sound as he hawked from deep down in his throat. He stepped closer towards her and grabbed her hair and pulled her head back. Then he spat in her face. Disgusted, she wiped the slimy spit off with her uniform sleeve.

"You are not worth being touched, you little brat." He hit her with the flat of his hand.

Then, without warning, he clenched his fist and hit Kathryn directly in the forehead with all his strength. The enormous force of the blow propelled her against the wall where she crumbled to the grown and groaned in pain.

Seconds later, Jepar was again at her side. He pulled her up by her shoulders, pressed her against the wall and spat again in her face. Unable to get rid of his disgusting smelling spit, she turned her head when he spat at her again. Then he pulled her around and threw her at the ground without releasing her. Kathryn hit the floor painfully with her knees. He was now standing behind her and holding her wrists tight so that she was not able to shield herself against the spitting frenzy from the two guards who joined in. The spit of the two men was running down her face filling every opening. The revulsing slime even entered her mouth as she couldn't help but cry out in pain as Jepar kept hitting her in the back with his knee. The disgusting taste of their spit in her mouth and the sickening smell emanating from it made her gag.

At that moment, they ceased tormenting her. She doubled up, gasped, coughed, gagged and spat on the floor while the men around her laughed loudly. She wiped her face dry. Every now and then, they kicked her and spat at her. It continued for some time until the Cardassians finally lost interest in her.

Kathryn trembled.

Painfully intensive she felt her heart beat. In many aspects, what happened in the last few minutes was beyond her understanding. Did they do that to her simply because they enjoyed it? Could they really be that cruel, so inhumane?

Her composure was gone and only coarse self-restraint prevented her from withdrawing into herself in a heap.

They brought her back to the hole and threw her back inside. The hatch closed with a loud bang and immediately the merciless darkness engulfed her again. Kathryn heard steps and laughter fade away. Then, at last, silence. She was back in silence. For the moment, the Cardassians had left her alone. But she was sure that they would return.

Her entire body was trembling from shock. Slowly sensation returned to her legs and arms, only her back was riddle with pain results on the unrelenting beating Jepar had given her. She tasted blood in her mouth, her lower lip was bleeding and swollen. She raked her fingers through her hair and touched the wound on her forehead. She hoped she hadn't suffered a concussion but she knew better. She was infinitely weak and tired. She was terrified to fall asleep and never wake up again but then, it wouldn't make any difference any more.

Sometime later, she was again taken out of her temporarily comfortable hole.

She didn't recall much from the interrogation, only that Gul Camet had made her decide between two options. Either yield information hitherto unrevealed or be their toy once again.

She'd decided to opt for information.

"My name is Kathryn Janeway, I am a Starfleet Ensign and citizen of the United Federation of Planets."

Hit once again in the face, her torturer said. "That is nothing new."

Wanting to show her torturers she wasn't afraid of them or of what she was expecting to occur, Kathryn forced an innocent expression on her face that didn't reveal how terrified she was.

She managed, however, to reply with a calm voice "Had you paid more attention to recent interrogations, you would know that I hadn't mentioned my membership of the Federation until now."

"You are a homunculus prat."

The now far too familiar injection needle was proffered into her face. "Well, where shall we inject you today?" Camet asked delighted.

Kathryn wanted to take a step back but was immediately grabbed by a Cardassian. She tried to free herself from the grip but failed miserably.

Freightened by what might happen to her but making every effort not to show it, she shouted. "Coward!"

The Cardassian simply answered with a sneering laugh.

"Bastards," she continued with her accusations while Gul Camet tried to find a suitable place for planting his needle.

"Yes, you'll feel like a bastard afterwards when you'll recall how you behaved here." A dirty laugh followed his jeering.

Camet's probing hand found what he was looking for and he injected the needle. What happened afterwards and what they did to her she didn't know. The drug had caused a total black out. It was probably for the best.

The next time the hatch opened, she was surprised to see the face of Lieutenant Justin Thige in place of the Cardassians.

The uncontrollable anger and hate she felt from reliving those events came roaring back. She knew it was possible for any human to be cruel, dangerous, egoistical and undisciplined but she fougth the urges as she hugged and pressed her head into her big pillow. She felt her warm and damp breath.

After her liberation and return to Earth, it was mandatory for her to go trough psychological therapy for a few weeks. Learning to live with the memories brought her family even closer. The bond between herself and her sister Phoebe grew to heights she never before imagined possible. It had not been easy to deal with, but her enormous inner strength had helped her to work through it. And she had also found great love and support from Justin. Over and over again, she'd woken up in shock from her nightmares and she had cradled in his protective arms. She shared with him what she had experienced and he had listened intently every time and given her as much support as he could.

Tiredness seized her allowing her thoughts to wander back to Seven. **_I couldn't tell her what happened. It would have been unbearable. I can't appear weak again. I was so close to tears, yet so aroused by her gentle touches._**

**Some time later in Astrometrics**

As she entered Astrometrics, B'Elanna stated. "Seven, I have some time right now. If you want, we could begin installing your alcove." Before the blonde beauty could respond, the half-Klingon looked at the big screen and continued. "Earth!?!"

"Bloomington, Indiana to be precise."

"Bloomington, Indiana?!?" Furrowing her brow a little, she added as she leaned against the console next to Seven. "Somehow that sounds familiar."

"Captain Janeway grew up there." Seven stated.

"Our Captain is a countryside girl and she can't even cook." A male voice echoed in the background.

Seven and B'Elanna turned to see a smiling Chakotay leaning in the doorway, slowing he advanced and said. "Don't ever accept one of her dinner creations unless you want to end up in Sickbay."

"Don't let Janeway hear that." B'Elanna responded.

Chakotay smiled again and said. "Now ladies if you don't mind I have some data in need to enter in the database."

"Don't worry Chakotay we won't hinder your progress. We'll continue our conversation elsewhere. We were just on our way to cargo bay two anyhow." B'Elanna said as she lead Seven out of Astrometrics.

When the door closed behind them with a light hissing sound, the Commander turned to look at the screen still displaying Earth. Feeling a little too homesick, he quickly pushed the buttons to make the image vanish.

"How was breakfast?" B'Elanna asked while adjusting one of the alcove's panels.

"It was not very nutritious, but flavorsome. We had peanut butter sandwiches with either jam or banana slices depending on our preference. I had a glass of milk to go with it and the Captain had her usual coffee." was Seven's factual response.

B'Elanna rolled her eyes and said. "I actually wanted to know how it went with Kathryn. Did you have a romantic breakfast?" She wanted to get to the information that truly interested her.

"Your curiosity about other people's relationships is not appropriate." Seven stated in a reprimanding tone.

"Hey!" the half-Klingon protested. "Who are you to talk about inappropriate!?! Wasn't it you who collected data about the mating process of newly infatuated individuals by continuously following them and observing them?"

Remembering this unfortunate incident, Seven took a deep breath and said. "It was inappropriate and afterwards I apologized and discontinued the research."

"Yes, you did but only after the Captain reprimanded you." retorted B'Elanna.

"If I tell you, will you keep it to yourself?" Seven asked.

"Of course!"

Seven looked at her skeptically. "You, Master of Gossip!"

"What?!?" B'Elanna said in feign indignation.

"That's what they call you." The tall woman stated.

"Oh, really?" she asked proudly.

Seven only nodded up and down her head in response.

Seeing the former Borg's reaction, B'Elanna said. "Honestly, Seven, I'll keep it to myself. On my honor."

After looking at the smaller woman for any signs of deceit, Seven nodded and said. "But before I tell you I have to know if you are authorized to read her Starfleet file?"

B'Elanna muttered under her breath. "No, not really!"

"You have accessed the database!" Seven accused the dark-haired woman sounding completely serious.

B'Elanna's shoulders slumped a little, her eyes dropped to the floor as she answered. "Well, at that time, I just wanted to know what kind of Captain she was. I wasn't ready to accept orders from just anyone. I know it wasn't right, but…"

Hearing the tone in B'Elanna's voice amused Seven and she decided to let her on her little secret. "I did it, too."

"What?!?" croaked the intensely passionate woman.

"I happened to mention it in a discussion after we finished eating breakfast." Seven explained to her friend. "She asked me how I came to know about something and I answered that I had read it in her Starfleet file."

"Well, it's obvious she didn't reprimand you. If it had been me, she would have sent me on a mission with the Doc and Neelix for several weeks in the smallest shuttle possible."

Seeing the ex-Borg smile at her assessment the engineer said as she continued her work on the alcove. "Yeah, you can smile all you want but I'll tell you something. Being the Captain's favorite doesn't come only with its advantages. She'll have extremely high expectations for you. She's like that with everyone she likes."

"High expectations do not trouble me." responded the blonde woman with conviction.

The smaller woman searched for a spanner in her toolbox as she continued talking to Seven. "When I read about her capture and the honors for bravery she received afterwards, I was highly impressed. She has courage and a toughness I didn't believe she possessed at that time but now I know different. Those experiences have made her stronger and even more guarded but I'm certain she's just a softy once she lets go of her command mask. I wonder what kind of person she would have been if this had not happened to her."

"I don't understand. Please explain."

"She wouldn't be the woman you fell in love with without those experiences. Those things change a human's personality in a considerable manner. I'm certain she wouldn't be so hard on herself and so unforgiving about her perceived mistakes." Thinking of the content of the file, B'Elanna took a deep breath before continuing. "It must have been awful for her. Tom told me about his father's torture. Cardassians are monsters. If they did the same to Kathryn…" B'Elanna did not finish the sentence. "No wonder her command mask is so exceptional. It is considered a weakness if you cry, plea or whine while in captivity." Thinking of how she felt about her in the beginning she said. "I know I'm proud to have her as my Captain. She is an exceptional woman."

Seven had listened carefully to B'Elanna's comments. She related to the hurt and pain her Captain went through.

They continued working for a few minutes before Seven said. "I was aware there was some hidden secrets she did not wish to discuss. But when I pushed her into talking about those experiences, she sounded so… different. It was difficult for her. Her voice changed. It was not my intention to cause her even more discomfort."

B'Elanna looked directly at Seven who had stopped working and said with conviction. "Seven, the discomfort felt by the Captain when she was remembering that time was only natural. You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to get through to her. I'm certain it'll only make your bond stronger."

Realizing the award silence descending on them, B'Elanna decided to change the subject. Gaining Seven's attention she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and asked. "Tell me, how was breakfast?"

Seven rolled her eyes. "Has anyone ever told you how annoyingly persistent you are?"

"Sure." Torres said as she waved her hand in dismissal. "How do you think I get my information?!?" Looking at Seven stare back at her, she said. "Come on Seven, spit it out! Don't you leave any juicy details out."

"Very well. At a particular moment, I noticed her dilated pupils an increased breathing frequency. I also noticed something you had failed to mention, her face became flushed."

Astonished B'Elanna blurted out her question. "What did you do to get that kind of reaction from her?!?"

"I… I was standing very close to her and I caressed her face. I wanted to touch her lips but before I could succeed, she took my hand in hers. We looked into each other's eyes some time. I asked if this was unpleasant for her. She said it was an intimate gesture. I replied I was aware of that fact. She whispered my name and appeared uncertain as to her next course of action. Then she turned away from me, walked toward her bedroom and apologized. She said she was tired. I wished her sweet dreams, walked out and came to the mess hall. I decided to have another glass of milk and put order back to my thoughts but I could not. I could only think of Kathryn lying in her bed… without me." The last words were mere whispers as they escaped the blonde beauty's lips.

Surprised by Seven's facial expressions and tone of voice she had never witnessed before, B'Elanna was speechless. After a few seconds, she said. "Wow, that sounded very intense. We know for certain she's wavering because she didn't reject your advances." Wanting to keep her reputation as a tough warrior, she replied. "Nice try Seven but all this romanticism isn't going to make me turn to mush."

A few hours later as Seven fixed some cables and tubes onto the alcove and B'Elanna wiped the sweat from her forehead, the engineer asked. "Why don't you wear your hair down?"

"Why should I? It would be inefficient and it would inhibit my work." Seven stated simply.

"Because you would look even more stunning."

"To what end should being stunning be beneficial?"

Rolling her eyes at the blonde woman's obvious lack of experience, B'Elanna continued. "Because of Kathryn… you have to lure her out of her shell. You have to court her. You have to make her lose some of her control. Being even more stunning will help you do that."

Tilting her head to one side, Seven asked. "Are you trying to play matchmaker?"

B'Elanna shrugged her shoulder and said. "I just want to see Kathryn happy."

Furrowing her brow a little as she continued to work, Seven said. "I don't think such a simple approach would be beneficial. Kathryn is a very intelligent woman, she would not fall for that sort of trap."

Shaking her head from side to side, the engineer said. "She is a passionate woman Seven. Trust me. Wear your hair down and watch how she reacts. With this much sexual attraction, you will without a doubt succeed. After all, she's been celibate for 6 years. Her hormones are bound to take over at one point."

Perplexed, Seven questioned. "Celibate?"

"NO SEX, Seven! This woman hasn't had sex for six years! Unless she's visited the holodeck but I doubt it. Even if she did, in the long run that type of experience isn't very satisfying. Just wait. When the time is right, she'll be on you like a hungry fly on a big pile of Targ dung."

Skepticism and bewilderment were evident on Seven's features.

Slightly annoyed, B'Elanna blew away a stray hair before saying. "If you don't trust my simple approach and advice then talk to Tuvok. He's known the Captain the longest. He might be able to give you a few suggestions on how to capture her heart."

Still busy processing her previous statement, Seven questioned. "What do you find so interesting about sex?"

"Well, why don't you ask me an easy one Seven!" protested B'Elanna.

Undeterred by the engineer's discomfort, Seven simply said. "Well?!?"

"Everything." stated the Klingon not willing to answer in detail this question.

"Please elaborate."

"No!" B'Elanna responded more harshly than she wanted to. She took a deep breath and continued. "Seven, this is an intimate question and... aaand I think Kathryn should answer it completely. She explains things very well." Clearly uncomfortable and desperately wanting to evade answering the question, she said. "Why don't you ask her?"

B'Elanna's combadge chirped.

"Engineering to Lieutenant Torres."

"Torres here."

"You wanted to be notified if a plasma injector was about to fail."

"I'm on my way." Torres put the spanner back into her tool box and said. "Let's continue tomorrow, Seven."

As she walked toward the door, B'Elanna turned around as the panels where gliding apart and said with a devious smile before disappearing. "Gossip Master!?! Sounds good, eh?"

**Day ten**

"Personal Log, Captain Janeway.

It's no use denying or suppressing your feelings, they'll always surface again. After my breakfast with Seven I realized that. Her gentle touch, the way she let her fingers slide across my face. It almost, almost made me to lose it. Afterwards, lying in bed, I felt so lonely. I hadn't felt that way for a long time.

How did it start?

I shouldn't have taken care of her. I should have left it to Tuvok. But she challenged me and rebelled. She challenged Starfleet's system, our philosophy. She wanted to understand it. I learn to understand her. I gained her trust. I helped her regain her humanity. What is the reward for my help? Feelings… I can't control the strength of my feelings toward her. I feel torn between desire and duty. One day I want to tell her all about my feelings and the next moment I don't even know if they're appropriate. After all, I'm the Captain, I have to remain distant. …… dammit!

Here I'm, fooling myself again! The source of my insecurities is not whether their appropriate or not. Not knowing if she would return my feelings is. Will she reject me? Will I become weak? Will I lose her if I allow her into my heart? But I'm neither blind nor stupid and with yesterday's behavior, it is obvious that she has feelings for me.

I wish I had someone to confide in. The only person I could trust on this ship was Kes but she isn't here anymore. When I was with her it was as if I was talking to Phoebe and Mom. In front of her, I never had to pretend. There was something about her that allowed me to never take on the Captain role when I was with her. I miss Kes. I miss her deeply. And, at the moment, I miss my family, even more than usual. I want to go home." Sadenned, she gazed out of the window, into the never ending depth of space and thought of how long it will take them before they reached earth.

_**Home!**_

Thinking about Justin, how empty she still felt everytime she thought of him. Her love for him had never diminished. She remembered how his light green eyes sparkled… his curly dark-blonde hair, his toned powerfully built body… how her hands loved to feel the washboard stomach and wander ever lower until she took hold of his…

_**Stop it Kate, he's dead!**_

He's the only man who ever fitted perfectly with her. He was strong-willed, intelligent, self-confident and naturally charming. He always wanted to experience, explore and learn new things. He exuded a calmness that soothed others. Men like him were hard to find. He was older then her and knew how to pleasure a woman… how to pleasure her. When they had sex, he became wild and passionate. It was only with him she truly enjoyed sex.

_**I have a feeling that's about to change. Seven and Justin are similar in so many ways.**_

A deep sigh escaped her lips. There were so many questions she could seek the answer to but she was not about to play the 'what if' game. She thought of her Father and what he would advise her to do.

_**'This is in the past. The only thing you can do with the past is learn from it and make better choice in the future.' That's what Dad would say.**_

With Justin, she knew she would have had a life but in the last few years, she viewed her life as empty… a life where only the Captain existed. There wasn't place for the woman behind. Luck had always been part of her life. She knew she was a particularly competent officer. But she wasn't about to forget how some of her accomplishments were linked with luck. She also knew luck comes with a price… heartache. It gives you many things but it can take away what is most precious to you.

_**Seven…**_

There was a chirp at Janeway's door.

"Computer, end log entry."

Janeway closed her eyes a few seconds. When she opened them again her command mask was back in full force.

"Enter!"

Seven entered the quarters and looked searching for Janeway. She was sitting behind her desk wearing her turtleneck. "Captain! You wanted to see me." She assumed a soldier's position in front of the desk.

"I'm off-duty, Seven. Relax!"

"Are you not on duty from sixteen hundred to zero hundred hours." Seven replied in an almost reprimanding tone.

"Thank you for the reminder, but I allowed myself a reprieve. I'll be on duty for the morning shift instead." Janeway leaned back and crossed her arms behind her head. "That's the nice thing about being the Captain, you know. I can switch to any shift I like, whenever I like, as long as personnel levels allow for it… Starfleet Protocol Paragraph eighteen!" She smiled at Seven as she rocked back and forth in her chair. "I just wanted to know…"

While the Captain continued to talk to her, Seven's eyes wandered over her Captain's eyes, lips and upper body. She noticed how the pullover was stretched over her breasts and how her nipples were visible through the thin fabric. The young woman asked herself what could cause this reaction in the Captain's body. **_Is she aroused, or is she cold?_**

Seven took a deep breath and pulled herself out of her reverie.

"… even though you're more active in engineering, I thought the blue uniform would be more to your liking." Janeway did not seem to have noticed Seven's absentmindedness.

"Acceptable."

Janeway raised one eyebrow and leaned forward. She pulled her arms away from their position and laid them on the desk.

"That wasn't an order, Seven! I was asking which division you'd prefer, science or engineering?"

"Science."

Janeway smiled smugly in her chair.

"I would have made the same choice."

Kathryn realized there was something else Seven wanted to say. "Seven!?"

"I have a question of personal nature." the blonde woman said.

After a few moments, impatient, Janeway questioned. "Well?"

"As humans seem to be uncomfortable with personal questions, I wanted to forewarn you." Seven stated.

"I think I can handle them." The smaller woman was perplexed by Seven's behavior. She was used to Seven's straightforward manner. "What's the matter?" the smaller woman queried.

Thinking that she had given Janeway the chance to 'bow out gracefully' as Tom would say, she decided to ask the question B'Elanna obviously was uncomfortable at answering. "You have had sufficient sexual experience in your life. What do you like about sex?"

Kathryn's face turned considerably red. "Me?" she croaked.

Seven simply raised an eyebrow and nodded, waiting for Janeway to answer. The Captain's mouth tensed as she breathed in loudly.

"Well…" She began before looking at the ceiling. "A very personal question."

Puzzled by Janeway's reaction, the former Borg stated. "I warned you beforehand. I do not understand why you are still embarrassed."

"You'll be once you've had some experiences. Then you'll realize just how personal the question is." responded Janeway smiling nervously.

Wanting to help, Seven declared. "I can rephrase the question."

Janeway raised her hand in dismissal and said. "No! It's alright. It doesn't make a difference anymore."

Thinking of how to best answer the inexperienced woman, Janeway's face took on a thoughtful expression. "Okay, things I find interesting in sex."

Slowly blue-grey eyes looked directly into blue ones, consciously licking her dark red lips, she began. "Things I like about sex… tiny hairs in the neck that stand up; … the taste of salty skin, racing heartbeat, … seduction! … the following day sweet smile only you can interpret."

After waiting patiently for the Captain to give more details, surprised, she questioned. "That is all?"

"Isn't that enough?" Janeway retorted in surprise

"I assume the response to my question would be more extensive." Seven simply stated with a raised eyebrow.

Kathryn looked at Seven in silence, trying hard to suppress the embarrassed smile welling up inside her, she said. "Yes."

A curious Seven watched Kathryn, patiently waiting for more answers. The petite Captain leaned her elbow on the desktop and put her loosely fisted hand in front of her mouth before continuing.

"Further answers are too intimate,… literally." The last word was whispered into her fist.

When Kathryn noticed how Seven was looking at her with open curiosity, she finally burst out laughing before confessing. "I have to admit Seven, I'm really embarrassed. Those details will have to suffice for now."

"For now, yes." the Nordic beauty said unequivocally before adding. "Thank you!"

"Good! I'll see about your uniform and allocating privilege to replicate your uniform. That's all. Dismissed!"

**Later that day**

The door opened with a swoosh and Captain Janeway, dressed in casual clothes, stood in almost empty quarters. Immediately the typical humming sound of Seven's alcove situated further down to her left caught her attention. In front of it kneeled a young woman whose long blonde hair tumbled loosely over her shoulders and back. When she sensed the presence of the Captain she turned around with a smile and said.

"Kathryn!"

Janeway was speechless. She hadn't expected Seven's appearance to have such an effect on her senses. The blue and black uniform and the slightly wavy hair framing her beautiful face let the fiery redhead to see Seven in a completely different light.

"You look lovely!" she blurted out.

Seven graced her with a hearty smile and responded. "Thank you!"

Behind her, the Captain heard someone clearing her throat. She turned to see a gentle smile on her chief engineer as she leaned against the bedroom's door frame with arms crossed across her breasts.

"We've just completed the installation. Quite a lot of work. This thing needs more oil than you can squeeze out of a whale." B'Elanna realized Janeway didn't feel comfortable about the fact that she had just witnessed the previous exchange.

"I didn't know you were still here." The commanding officer said.

"I was just washing my hands but I'm leaving. I'll let you two to your discussions."

The young woman was already turning on her heels when she was held back by the Captain.

"Actually, I was on my way to engineering and I just wanted an update. I've been thinking about our shortage on dilithium and I had an idea how to configure the system. Maybe we could try it out together."

Janeway gave Torres a PADD containing information that caught her immediate attention. Smiling, the engineer said. "I think this is feasible."

Captain Janeway and her chief engineer walked together to engineering. Some crew members saluted their commanding officer formally as usual. For most of them it didn't make a difference whether the Captain was on duty or not. Being the highest in command, she had to be addressed formally any time. This was done out of respect and in accordance with one of the basic principles of Starfleet. However, since the ship was in the Delta Quadrant so far from home, some of the rules were bent in order to accommodate their particular situation. That was the reason why B'Elanna and some other selected personnel called the Captain by her first name when she's off duty. This had become necessary to the woman behind the commanding officer. Kathryn Janeway had already exhibited significant signs of a major depression. Her equilibrium had wavered, she'd been easily irritated and her headaches had grown in frequency. But since she had invested in maintaining a circle of friends, the symptoms had decreased considerably. The first six years, she'd enjoyed a distance from her and everyone else on board. It had made her untouchable. But now, she found it difficult to live without it. She had to adjust to the teasing and poking from her friends which sometimes stretched the limits of her patience. And B'Elanna was just about to stretch it some more.

"You like Seven?" the engineer innocently posed the delicate question.

Janeway gave her one of her lower setting death glares before looking ahead again. B'Elanna knew she wouldn't react any further to her question and once she realized she was right she thought. **_Okay, it might need more than just a question to get Kathryn to comment on this issue._**

"Her new hairstyle, do you like it? She said it was inefficient to wear her hair down when I suggested it to her."

When B'Elanna perceived Kathryn's tension ceased she couldn't suppress a grin. She knew her question could've been interpreted differently but it wouldn't have made any difference.

"How did you manage to persuade her?" Janeway questioned.

"I told her it would suit her much better if she wore her hair down."

Surprised, the redhead inquired. "That's all?"

"No!" B'Elanna regretted already her honesty as she thought. **_Damn! If I had just said yes!_**

"What else?" Sensing B'Elanna was not willing to answer, she decided to try it another way. "More persuasion is usually needed to make Seven do something she initially didn't want to do. How did you persuade her?"

"That is personal, you know."

Slowly, a strange feeling rose in Kathryn. She gave B'Elanna a warning look.

"Well, I mentioned you in order to persuade her."

"B'Elanna!" Janeway's voice warned of her disapproval.

"Hum?" she inquired innocently with a slightly raised eyebrow. "You know she would do mostly anything to please you."

B'Elanna felt a surprisingly strong grip on her upper left arm and before she could realize it, she was pushed into a nook by Janeway.

"It's not fair of you to manipulate Seven in this way. By the way did you have anything to do with Seven's sexual curiosity?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"She asked me what I liked about sex."

"Ah, right!" B'Elanna said. Relieved Janeway didn't poke further into how or why B'Elanna had mentioned her in front of Seven, she willingly answered. "She asked me the same question. I told her that you'd be better at answering this since you're more experienced than I."

Kathryn rubbed her forehead and mumbled something inaudible.

"You're always explaining everything so well. I thought…" The young woman left her sentence unfinished. "What did you answer?" she added curiously.

Janeway's head snap up and the engineer received a level three death glare. Apologetically, she raised her hands and said. "I think we should focus on the configuration of the dilithium matrix."

The chief security officer of the USS Voyager was sitting at his desk perusing his officers' daily reports. He was interrupted, however, by the chirping of his door communicator.

"Come." was the emotionless answer from the Vulcan.

Seven of Nine entered Tuvok's office. She stopped in front of his desk, her arms clasped behind her back and her legs slightly apart. "Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, I need your knowledge about a few topics."

"Proceed." He put the PADD he had just read on the table and gave his full attention to the blonde woman.

"What are the specifications of a human female?"

Tuvok sensed Seven's nervousness and decided to answer her question without requesting further information. "To list a few characteristics: ability to work in a team, diplomacy, modesty, able to face conflicts and enthusiasm. Human females have a great advantage over their male counterparts because they can multitask due to their ability to think with both hemispheres of their brain simultaneously. Women are more dedicated toward their tasks. They are harder with themselves but care more about others. They are better in diplomacy. Some, like Captain Janeway, are arrogant. What makes them somewhat immune to stress is why they are respected. Women are superior in roles like lawyers and Captains."

When he mentioned the Captain, Tuvok sensed embarrassment and nervousness, two emotions he hadn't witnessed in her before. "Seven, what is your real concern?"

Seven swallowed and gathered all her strength before beginning to tell him about her real concerns. "Lieutenant Torres advised me to turn to you for help. You have studied the Captain. On this ship, you are the person who knows her best. I need information regarding her emotional behavior."

"It is not appropriate to discuss this kind of issue. She is the Captain." Tuvok said authoritatively. However, his interest in the well being of both women forced him to ask. "Why are you interested in her emotional behavior?"

"This is... a private matter." As she spoke, Seven registered a considerable increase of her heart beat.

"You have feelings for Captain Janeway. Am I right in this assumption?" Tuvok's serious demeanor had the opposite effect from calm on Seven. She shuffled her feet nervously, unsure of how to answer Tuvok's question. After several seconds, the blonde woman responded.

"Captain Janeway is immensely interesting. She means more to me than any other person on this ship! Recently, I have realized she has developed a special relationship with me. This is rather obvious to other crewmembers. Your knowledge of the Captain being as it is, I am certain you also noticed this change in behavior. The Captain is such a complex individual… I do not want to make a mistake. I thought you could… you knew… what I…" Seven did not finish her sentence. She hoped Tuvok would understand what she wanted to say.

"I prefer not to get involved in private matters of others; especially those of the Captain." Tuvok answered the young woman in his expressionless tone. "However, I have realized the Captain has recently been absentminded and that she feels lonely."

Seven's eyes sparkled of hope as she listened to the Vulcan's words. When Tuvok concluded that Seven's approach might be negatively viewed by the Captain, he decided to guide the young woman some guidelines. "My advise to you in this matter is to give Captain Janeway time to get adjusted to the situation and her feelings. Do not force the Captain to acknowledge your feelings. I believe if you force her to do so, she could react like a cornered animal."

Tuvok sensed how Seven stiffened at his words. He concluded that his advice came too late.

"I should not tell her what I feel for her and that I am aware of the nature of those feelings?" Seven asked.

"That would be correct! It would have the same effect as putting a knife to her throat." After a few seconds of silent examination, Tuvok recognized Seven had relaxed considerably. "Seven? May I ask what sort of initiatives you already implemented to make the Captain react to your feelings?"

The young woman quickly reported what had happened after breakfast.

"The parameters of your actions seem to be acceptable. It is tactically clever to tell her indirectly."

Seven raised an eyebrow. "Indirectly?"

"You have hinted at what you meant to say in the first place." Tuvok explained.

"I meant to tell her the truth gently? To wrap it up nicely?!"

"Indeed."

"May I be frank?" Seven asked. When Tuvok nodded his approval she continued. "I had not expected to get support from you."

"The welfare of Captain Janeway is important to me." The Vulcan simply stated.

Seven tilted her head and raised her ocular implant in surprise.

"The ship is only as happy as her Captain is." Tuvok commented.

There was another chirp at the door.

"Come."

Voyager's Captain entered the office of her Chief of Security wearing her uniform again; her attention focused on a PADD. "Tuvok…" she began but was interrupted by a familiar voice saying.

"Thank you, Lieutenant Commander."

Unbeknownst to her, a caring smile graced the Captain's feature when she saw the young woman in her new attire.

Seven walked past the smaller woman and greeted her nervously. "Captain." Receiving a surprised look from Janeway, the young woman returned the greeting with a dreamy smile and a nod.

Observing the Captain intently watching the Astrometrics' officer leave, he decided to wait for the door to close before interrupting his commanding officer's daydreams by inquiring.

"Captain?" Tuvok said.

There was no response from the woman.

"Captain, what can I do for you?"

Mildly shock, she turned to face Tuvok and took a few seconds to regain her bearings. She cleared her throat and asked. "Did I interrupt something important between you two?"

"No, Captain." the Vulcan emotionless as ever.

Janeway thought she perceived uncertainty in Tuvok's voice, as if she had just disturbed a discussion that was not meant for her ears. Deciding her senses were playing tricks on her she queried. "Seven is behaving strangely these days, don't you think, Tuvok?"

"Indeed." Tuvok responded with a raised right eyebrow before continuing in an ever so slightly sarcastic undertone. "But she is not the only one to do so."

Walking through the corridor, Seven's thoughts were circling around Tuvok's words **_like an animal. How does an animal behave when it is cornered? _**Seven didn't know. **_Who could know? _**The source of her answer rounded the corner. "Commander Chakotay, I need your knowledge." Seven stated.

"How can I help you, Seven?"

"Can we talk somewhere undisturbed?" the young woman asked.

Slightly surprised, the burly man simply said. "My office?"

Seven nodded and answered. "Acceptable."

They entered his office.

"Well?" The Commander said as he sat in his chair. He didn't offer Seven to sit down, as he knew her preference to stand.

"What does an animal do when it is cornered?"

Chakotay smiled. "An animal?!? Do we have an animal on board?"

"No."

"What is it then?"

"It's about correct behavior. Answer the question, please!"

Chakotay had to suppress a smile. It was always entertaining when Seven asked a favor. She always made it sound like an order. "Animals should never be pushed into a corner. When they are, it's almost certain they're going to attack you. It's an automatic defense mechanism."

Seven quirked her eyebrow. "Thank you, Commander."

"I suggest you go to the holodeck, run a few appropriate simulations and observe what happens."

"I will consider that." The young woman turned and moved toward the door.

"Seven?" Seven stopped and turned to Chakotay. "This animal, does it have by any chance four pips on her collar?" The Commander asked carefully.

A barely perceivable smile passed over her lips before she turned and left the Commander's office without a word.

**day eleven**

"The Demeter has just landed in shuttle bay one, Captain." Harry Kim announced to his commanding officer as she was already on her way to the turbo lift to get to the bay.

Accompanying her was Commander Chakotay, Lieutenant Tuvok, Torres and Seven of Nine.

"Hey Seven, I didn't know you were part of the welcome committee, too." The chief engineer stated curious as to Seven's role.

"That is not the case. I am getting to shuttle bay 2 to assist Lieutenant Paris with his configuration of the Delta Flyer."

"Ah." was B'Elanna's monosyllabic response.

Five people in the lift made it feel cramped Commander Chakotay realized as he enjoyed the peaceful quietness. Emotionless, Tuvok watched the door while Torres studied the content of a PADD. Chakotay watched his Captain slowly raked her eyes over the former Borg, he would have given anything to be able to read her mind at this particular moment. Seven quickly glanced at the Captain, an almost unperceivable smile crossed her face before she turned, just like Tuvok, to watch the door emotionless. The Commander continued to watch his Captain until she unexpectedly turned to face him. He couldn't suppress a grin and quickly looked from one woman to the other before quirking rapidly twice his eyebrows. Janeway immediately understood what he meant and answered his looks with a slightly reddish face and a warning look.

Chakotay, undeterred by the smaller woman's warning, started humming a melody he knew was known to at least four out of five persons in the lift. The first one was himself. The second couldn't be pushed out of his balanced composure no matter what he was presently thinking. The third person turned immediately a tint more red and embarrassed, she looked at the floor intently. He was certain she wished she could suck all the air out of his lungs so he would stop humming before she could throw him out of the nearest airlock. The fourth person lifted her head from her PADD as she quickly peeked to Captain Janeway and realized the small woman was studying the pattern of the floor with great interest. B'Elanna pressed her lips together in an attempt to keep her grin to herself.

The humming of the Commander caught Seven's interest as she asked. "That is a nice melody you are humming, Commander."

"Yep, it's from a well known song, do you know it?"

"No." replied Seven.

Staring at her fingernails, Captain Janeway started to play with them. Recognizing this behavior as a sign of intense nervousness, Tuvok observed his commanding officer. Out of the corner of her eyes, Kathryn realized Tuvok was watching her. She heard Commander Chakotay suggest to Seven.

"You should listen to it if you have the chance."

"What is the title?" enquired the blonde woman, who was oblivious to Kathryn's nervousness.

The Commander answered and remained completely calm. "I'm in Love With a Starship Captain."

"Indeed?!"

The door of the turbo lift opened and freed the way to the shuttle bay's. Captain Janeway hastened outside as if ten Borg drones were in hot pursuit. Commander Chakotay could hardly suppress his laughter as a large quantity of air was expelled through his nostrils. Tuvok looked at Chakotay with a raised eyebrow before following the Captain at his own pace once again unemotional. Seven was the next to leave the lift and bid the two others goodbye and wondering why the Captain was in sudden hurry. B'Elanna looked at Chakotay. He gestured her to leave the lift first.

"You have a sarcastic sense of humor, Commander." the engineer said with a smirk.

"Thank you." He responded as he followed her.

"If you are still alive tomorrow, you'll have moved up a step on my list of respectable persons."

When Captain Janeway entered hangar one with her welcome committee, she came to stand in front of a decent space shuttle, slightly bigger than their Delta Flyer.

"DEMETER" was attached in big letters to the black shell. In front of the shuttle, there were five men standing. Two of them belonged to the security team of Voyager, they were equipped with phaser guns, which however, they pointed to the ground.

"Captain Janeway!" Aidan greeted her friendly, taking her hand into his and placing a kiss on the back of it. The rest of the crew merely received a nod.

"Welcome on Voyager," the Captain replied, gracing Aidan's courteous kiss with a smile before she exchanged glances with her security team to enquire about the safety issues. When the Lieutenant nodded as a response she returned her attention to Aidan's face.

When Janeway looked at Aidan for the first time properly, his fascinating eyes were the first feature that caught her attention. They carried a light green sheen and matched the dark blond hair perfectly which he had cut in a modern style and which was now casually dropping over his forehead and his ears. He had the same height as Tom Paris, and was just of stronger built. His face is delicately featured and sports a slightly darker tan. Quite the sunny boy, as she recalled now her first impression when he appeared on the bridge's screen. His age was hard to fathom, he could have been in his middle twenties, maybe in his thirties. And he was radiating something very familiar to her, but she couldn't put her finger on it.

Commander Chakotay was walking along the side of the Demeter, scrutinising the ship thoroughly. "You've got a fine ship here. It's Cardassian, right?"

"Yes, we purchased it from a Ferengi before we were put on this incredible roller coaster ride to this quadrant." Aidan was explaining to the Commander.

"It's in good shape, on the outside, at least." Inspecting, Chakotay put his hand on the dark shell and stroke it gently.

"It's also in good shape on the inside." It was the half-Klingon who was talking. "I care for it as if it was the apple of my eye."

The members of the Voyager crew exchanged smiling glances, apart from Captain Janeway who tried to keep the necessary distance towards her crew, quickly passing her tongue over her lips while she gazed at the ground. It was a gesture she often assumed when she found herself in an unfamiliar situation.

"My multi-hydro key!" The Half-Klingon explained when he realised that his comment could be understood differently holding up the gadget in question. "Without this thing the Demeter would not be in such a good shape."

"Well, at least not without K'Tal's skills. He is very adept and repairs everything that is not complete junk."

Janeway nodded after Aidan's addendum and couldn't quite conceal the amused expression on her face. "It must be part of the Klingon DNA, our chief engineer is also half-Klingon." The Captain turned her head gesturing at B'Ellana.

The Half-Klingon was taking a curious interest in his surroundings; when he finally discovered B'Ellana, his eyes rested on her and his frowning face lightened up a notch and he already looked much friendlier. B'Ellana, too, gazed at the man with curiosity and interest.

He had dark skin, his Klingon forehead was more pronounced than hers, however, his built was not that of a Klingon, here, the human genome was evidently more pronounced. His dark brown hair was long and curly and was held in place with a band in the back of his neck.

The two Half-Klingon's were immediately immersed in a conversation when B'Ellana asked about K'Tal's hydro key.

Aidan forced Janeway's attention back on him by commenting "Kathryn!? What a nice welcome party you have prepared for us." He gestured with his eyes towards the two armed security guards.

In general, she wasn't the kind of person to be addressed by her first name if she didn't know her opponent yet. But there was something on him that reminded Kathryn of something, something very familiar, so familiar that she didn't object to him calling her Kathryn. It was probably his underlying arrogance, a feature she quite liked to express herself. Or maybe it was his sexual attraction that caused the reaction in her? She wasn't sure until she suddenly realised. She remembered Justin.

Justin Tighe, her first great love.

Her first great loss.

"This is Starfleet protocol, and besides that, you are armed, as well." Tuvok chimed in and looked at Aidan with the emotionless expression on his face that was so typical of the Vulcan race. Now he was looking at the third member of the Demeter crew.

Aidan looked at the phaser at his belt and turned around to his companion. The team of the Voyager was for the first time paying attention to the other member.

"Boone." Aidan introduced the hunky man when he stepped forward. He too was wearing a phaser on his belt. The bold giant was about 2.10 metres tall. Kathryn hadn't felt that dwarfed by someone before, which of course she didn't show, looking at the dark skinned tall body with the huge muscles. _**How on earth did he fit into such a small shuttle?** _It was the only thing she could think about looking at him.

"Ah, well, we heard about a Starfleet vessel that was up to mischief over here, so we thought we wouldn't take any chances."

"The Equinox?" Chakotay interjected.

Aidan raised his shoulders. "All we heard was that a federation ship was leaving nothing than carnage to get home."

"Now I understand why you hadn't been very pleased with our first contact."

"Was it that obvious?"

"Captain Janeway answered with a smile. "Yep."

"So you have met this ship?" Aidan inquired.

"Yes, but unfortunate circumstances were responsible that it doesn't exist any more." Janeway's answer was short.

"Our Captain cleaned up thoroughly." Chakotay blurted out.

A level ten death stare hit the Commander, which he could only bear for a few seconds.

It was evident that he shouldn't mention another word about the matter if he wasn't to bring the sinew of the already tense bough to snap.

The Equinox was the cause for putting the friendship between the two highest officers on the ship into jeopardy. Janeway had almost lost her trust in him after the incident with crewman Lessing in the cargo bay.

Chakotay still loathed her for putting him under arrest in his quarters after he had dared to stand up against her plans.

When she had threatened Lessing to lower the shields and give him up into the aliens' hands, he was not to tell anyone about the whereabouts of Captain Ransom. Everything went smoothly until Chakotay had the feeling that Janeway wasn't bluffing against crewman Lessing when she lowered the shields and let the aliens loose against him. When she looked at Chakotay with and ice cold expression in her eyes and reassured him with a similarly cold voice that Lessing would cave in to her demands, he was certain that she would accept his death to get closer to Ransom. This part of Janeway he had never seen before and to be honest, he wasn't very keen on seeing it ever again.

At that moment, he really thought she was turning mad. That all those years of loneliness, of guilt and responsibility on her shoulders had at last pushed her beyond the boundaries of sanity. He had thought that she was so pissed off at the situation because she was not coping any more and that she felt responsible for stopping Ransom. He had been glad when his suspicion did not turn out to be true and he saw that this woman was indeed having everything under control still, this woman who could show so much passion, compassion and empathy; he however had seen a different side of her, and his image was marred.

He knew that even with her, there was a dark side as it was in everyone else. He also knew about her Cardassian imprisonment. When he mentioned it to her however, it was clear that she wouldn't lose another word on the matter.

Her Starfleet file had yet been another failure, hardly any information on that matter was recorded, but he knew from his own experience and reliable sources that the Cardassians had quite a sadistic vein in them. He dreaded even thinking about what Kathryn must have endured in her younger years.

When he had asked her if she didn't hate the Cardassians for what they had done to her, she had replied "My parents raised me and my sister to accept everyone, to respect everything and to cherish life. You can't have a verdict suitable for all Cardassians in general."

Chakotay's attention was again in the present and he cleared his throat "Well, how about if you keep your weapons in your ship and I will give you a short tour of ours? Can we have a look into the Demeter before that?"

"Be my guest, Commander. Kathryn?" Aidan made a welcoming gesture towards the Captain.

She declined, though. "You can entertain my Commander, he seems to show a lively interest in your ship."

Chakotay accompanied the crew of the Demeter into the interior of the shuttle. While they stepped through the hatch, Chakotay addressed Aidan. "I once had a Cardassian shuttle, too. It wasn't as modern as this, however."

Captain Janeway watched them until they had disappeared in the Demeter, then she turned around to Tuvok who was already approaching her. When he was close to her, she began talking. "What do you think, Tuvok? Aidan seems to me to be intelligent and makes a decent impression on me. I think he can rule his men."

"Nevertheless, I recommend only restricted freedom for our guests on the ship. Access to the bridge and engineering should be curtailed for now."

"Well, if you think so, you are the security chief. One can't be cautious enough."

She looked at the Vulcan in amusement and scrutinised him for a few seconds as if she could read his mind. "You don't like Aidan." She assessed him.

"I am far from liking or disliking someone. I simply regard it as tactless that he addresses you with your first name without even knowing you. And I don't understand why you return the insult."

"He is not a crew member and he is actually quite charming. And I start to enjoy hearing my first name being spoken more regularly."

Tuvok raised his eyebrow slightly.

Janeway now turned towards B'Ellana who had meanwhile joined them. "What does our chief engineer think about him?"

"He is indeed quite charming. K'Tal seems to be quite okay, too. But this Boone appears dangerous to me. I don't want to meet his fists, no thank you."

A quick laugh escaped the Captain. "Yes, I felt quite dwarfed by him when he stepped forward. All right, Tuvok, keep an inconspicuous eye on our three guests."

The Vulcan acknowledged the command with a nod. "Especially the Klingons, they are quite notorious for stepping out of line.

"Thank you!" was the only sharp comment from the young woman, not allowing herself to show how hurt she was.

Without reacting to B'Ellana's grumbling any further, he turned away from the two women and took a diligent closer look at the Demeter.

Anger and hurt pride were not to be missed in the face of the young woman. However, she was quite successful in not letting her feelings have the better over her.

"He can be quite sarcastic for being a Vulcan." She mumbled between clenching teeth.

The Captain put a soothing hand on her back and then placed her arm around her shoulders to give comfort. "Well, he isn't that wrong after all. I can clearly remember a rather rebellious and explosive Half-Klingon."

B'Ellana rolled her eyes. "Oh Captain, that was years ago and should be forgiven and forgotten by now." She tried to defend herself, as she didn't really like to be reminded of her rebellious former self. It was actually quite embarrassing for her now that she had been so vehemently opposed to the Captain. Over the years under Janeway's command and through the biography she had read secretly, she had learned to appreciate, respect and love the Captain. Well, it was a family love, nothing sexual, of course. It was just hard to accept that the Captain had taken on a kind of mother figure during the short time she had been more privately accessible, and B'Ellana was still uncomfortable with it.

"Forgiven, yes, forgotten, never! It caused me far too many headaches to just forget about it." Janeway teased the Half-Klingon. "And as soon as I have educated my troublesome child, the next one comes aboard in form of a borg drone."

"But she is eating out of your hand already, Captain. You are the only one she feels really comfortable with, has felt so since the beginning.

"That is because I accepted her as what she is from the start!"

"You and Seven share a lot." B'Ellana made a short pause and added, "a perfect couple." She clasped her hand to her mouth. "Did I just say that out loud?"

Of course B'Ellana hadn't just said this by accident. And she already knew that her Captain would once again not show any reaction for it to shield off her feelings for Seven. The mask of the Captain was firmly attached and didn't wobble under any emotions. She only gave a dismissive wave at B'Ellana's comment.

Janeway, however was not aware that B'Ellana knew quite much about her inclination towards Seven. And she didn't realise that the young woman had once again just launched an attempt to steer her Captain further into the arms of the Ex-Borg.

"Speaking of the perfect couple, is everything okay with Tom and you? There wasn't very much time for you two together in recent weeks, as he told me." Janeway clearly tried to steer away from the topic "Seven".

**_Okay that came as a surprise. Why did she suddenly change the topic from work to private life? She had never done this before. Did she sense that I tried to do something and now tries to scare me off it? Improvise, B'Ellana, improvise!_**

B'ellana was eager to keep on the private side of the conversation and retaliated "Everything is fine, Kathryn! We are still in love as much as on the first day of our relationship." She started raving. "Love is such a wonderful thing. I regret having not acted on my feelings for Tom earlier. Had I just known that I could have had all this wonderful time with Tom months earlier, I would have decided to stand to my feelings immediately. I had almost lost him. I was an idiot, I was so close to him forgetting about me because I didn't react to his open courting. I don't want to lose this feeling of loving and giving love ever again. Even when love at the same time is a strength and a weakness." B'Ellana hesitated for a moment and studied Kathryn's face.

She showed an enormous amount of contemplation and sadness. About the last, the young woman was not certain, and also not about the question she wanted to ask Janeway. **_Okay, go for the plunge, all or nothing. What did she always say? "Do it!"_**

"Kathryn? Don't you sometimes long for someone, I mean, aren't you lonely? You have been without someone for so long…"

"No!" The answer came fast over Kathryn's lips. She realised it as soon as she had voiced it.

An almost non-perceivably uncertain glance hit B'Ellana, but she could almost hear how the lie came over Kathryn's lips.

B'ellana realised that the Captain was quite uneasy and felt that she herself was uneasy, too. Now, that she tried to take the topic seriously instead of just trying to tease Janeway. After all, it was for the first time in quite a while that she came so close to her Captain's private affairs, stepping over the many familiar barriers was not easy for her. "Capt… Kathryn," she began hesitantly, "I know that you are not a great fan of weaknesses, I don't like mine, too. I, too, have problems with accepting them, but love is the only weakness I am proud of and I am glad I have it…"

Kathryn's eyes wandered hopeful through the bay, on the lookout for Tuvok. **_Where the devil was this man?_**

B'ellana would surely stop when he came back and joined them, Janeway was certain. Then she saw him across the room behind the rear of the Demeter where he was still diligently inspecting the ship with his eyes.

The Captain watched her hands while she was listening to the young woman, without the timely relief from her Vulcan friend. She nestled her fingernails, just like before in the turbo lift. Her breathing was even and calm, but deep inside her there was a storm brewing, consisting of several very different feelings which she tried to suppress with all her force.

"… and love, after all, is the weakness of every living thing, apart from Vulcans that is." B'ellana tried to alleviate the pressure on the situation. Now that she had begun the topic, it was hard for her to stop again. There were not very many moments to catch the Captain off guard, moments where the Captain seemed to step back and give way to the woman behind the mask. In normal situations, the Captain would have interrupted her long ago already.

Lieutenant Commander Tuvok raised an eyebrow in disagreement when he heard Lt Torres' remark on the Vulcans. He was, however, impressed how skilled the young woman was in approaching the Captain with such a delicate topic without having her cutting her off immediately. Of course it had not been his intention to listen in to the conversation but he couldn't, after all, prevent it, as Lt. Torres was speaking quite loudly so that is was indeed hard not to listen in. And most of all, it was important to know about certain people and their relationship towards each other to ascertain the security of the ship.

"And through your strength you are proving... your weaknesses, you will neutralise them by standing to them… your weakness, your feelings. Well, that was how it was with me." The young woman took a deep relieved breath. Glad that she was able to say what she wanted to say without stuttering with too much nervousness. She cleared her throat.

And waited for Janeway's reaction.

Almost complete silence for a few seconds.

"B'Ellana, this is neither the right time nor the right location to discuss such matters." Then she looked into B'Ellana's face while she put one of her hands into the other. "Apart from that, you really sound like a Klingon love priestess, and that doesn't suit you."

"There is no such thing as a Klingon Love priestess. And it doesn't suit my Captain to become personal while on duty and to tap into private topics."

"And I am also only a human being." the tone of command was back in her voice.

"And every human desires love, Kathryn!" Torres emphasised the Captain's first name to pull off the masks again.

"A Captain in love? That doesn't work. What should the crew think of me?" Janeway rolled her eyes and let a small chuckle follow filled with bitterness.

"I think that the crew would rather start to worry when you are continuing your abstinence. With all respect, Kathryn, who knows what they think how you try to keep your libido under control."

The other men came back out of the Demeter, talking loudly. Tuvok realised it before the women who were still engrossed in their conversation. After all the men had stepped back onto the deck and even the women had turned their attention back to them, they finished their conversation. Which was quite a relief to Kathryn, actually, as she didn't want to reply anything to B'Ellana's last sentence.

Janeway turned around when the voices were clearly perceivable and huge mountains of muscle barred her vision. She almost bumped into Boone, clad only in a tight shirt, clearly showing all muscles he had.

The sight which was presented to the crew had something particularly funny.

A huge bulging chunk of muscles, about 2.10 metres high was standing opposite a petit-looking woman of 1,65 metres. He looked down on her curiously and superior, and she was watching up at him as if she was the one who could easily break his neck. Which, of course was quite the opposite.

Boone's hand was at least big enough to put his fingers without trouble around Janeway's neck. But that was nothing that would cut down on her authority, she was quite aware that she was often misjudged as an enemy because of her height and her size. She was sharp, witty, skilled and intelligent, attributes that quite a few of her opponents were soon to realise, together with the insight that physical attributes were often not to be confused with psychological ones. Only a few of her crew knew that she was also physically quite capable of defending herself.

After a few squirmishes with violent species, she thought it wiser to train in the Vulcan art of self-defence. Her compact figure didn't make her a strong fighter, but she was ever more agile and fast for it.

She lifted one eyebrow and looked at the black giant quizzingly, hands akimbo.

With a serious expression on his face, Boone asked the Captain "Do we have a problem?"

"No! It's just the first time I have met a walking mountain of muscles, that's all." She replied unimpressed.

Chakotay sensed Tuvok's tension, it was for once apparent that he didn't like the situation. Or was it the sight of the situation, in which the big Boone could have snuffed the life out of the Captain so easily that his protective instinct surfaced again? Even the two security officers seemed to have a firmer grip on their rifles.

Boone leaned slightly forward and answered emotionless "And it's the first time for me to meet such a petit Captain of Starfleet, Ma'am."

Captain Janeway uttered an amused "hm" and graced Boone with her typical smile, mixed with a good helping of cheekiness.

When the unnecessary tension slowly dissolved into thin air, Commander Chakotay commented "Don't be fooled by her exterior, she is one you shouldn't meddle with."

Boone had a sceptical look on his face, then he returned his attention to the Captain. "I assume she is a vehement snapper."

"Enough niceties, Boone! Not that you score higher with this woman than I want." Aidan pushed Boone away and stood beside Captain Janeway. "You have seen our ship, now we would like to take advantage of a personal tour into the mess hall, if you'd be so kind. Your Commander has recommended the place warmly!"

Aidan hooked his arm with Janeway's and looked at her with a sweet smile. "Don't let hungry men wait, Captain!"

"Well, then, gentlemen, off to the mess hall." Janeway replied and accepted Aidan's closeness without hesitation.

Tom Paris reached the turbo lift just before the doors closed on him again and stepped inside, while Commander Chakotay, Boone and the two members of the security team waited for the second lift, as it would indeed have been far too crowded otherwise.

After Tom had been introduced to the two guests he reported to the Captain "The micro fusion reactor of the delta flier has been optimised. We still have a few minor glitches with the warp coil, but Seven is working on it. She estimates she will be finished in about fourty minutes."

"Good work, Lieutenant" the Captain replied satisfied.

"I am looking forward to seeing engineering." K'Tal said to B'Ellana while they were waiting for the lift to arrive at its destination.

"I have to disappoint you, engineering is part of security zone one, and that is…"

"Starfleet security protocol!" Aidan interrupted the Vulcan and finished his sentence. "It seems to be your favourite expression, Mr Tuvok." Aidan teased him, to get a surprised response from the Security chief.

"I don't have any favourite expressions, Mr Aidan," Tuvok replied in complete earnestness. "Engineering and the Bridge are zones of high Starfleet security and out of bounds for you." He replied with emphasis on the important parts.

"A Vulcan with a sense for sarcasm?" Aidan turned around with a face of astonishment.

Apart from Tuvok, all on the turbo lift couldn't suppress a secret smile.

There was silence for a moment.

Then Tom started humming a melody.

B'Ellana couldn't help but watch her Captain.

Captain Janeway took a deep breath and wiped her face with her hand, her finger stopped on her lips. "Tom" she mumbled while she cast him a serious look.

"Sorry, this song seems to be hooked to my brain. Seven listened to it while we were working on the delta flier."

It attracted Aidan's attention. "I know that song, what was the title, again?" He started pondering.

Tom wanted to answer, but a gesture with his hand made him stop. "No, don't tell me, I am almost there."

Seconds later he beamed at Janeway, "I'm in love with a star ship Captain."

"I don't like the song," replied Captain Janeway slightly annoyed.

Aidan shrugged his shoulders. "It's to my taste."

"Well, you can argue about taste here."

to be continued...


End file.
